CLINGING TO HOPE:
Kate with Madeleine's Cuddle Cat toy
KATE McCann's despair in the dark
days following her daughter Madeleine's disappearance was revealed
for the first time yesterday.
The devoted mother kept a secret
diary that laid bare the anguish she and her husband Gerry were
In one heartbreaking entry Kate
writes: 'Can't stop thinking about Madeleine, about her fear and
How can I go on knowing that her life
could have ended like this'
'This week I have been quite overtaken by black thoughts. Please God,
bring her back.'
Last night experts said Kate's emotions
read like those of a bereaved mother.
Chartered psychologist Dr Rick Norris
said: 'The diary shows she is an intelligent woman who is able to
articulate her feelings on paper.
'This is a horrible situation ' every
parent's worst nightmare.
'Writing a diary will have helped Kate
deal with the trauma of having Madeleine snatched. You can see the
At times there's the bitterness, almost
hatred, for the person who has taken Madeleine.
'Then there's the love she has for her
'When I counsel people suffering bereavement it is not uncommon for them
to talk directly to the person who is deceased.
'The difference here is that Kate still
believes Madeleine is alive. She clearly has a very deep faith to which
The 135-page journal, from which extracts
are shown here, reveals the heartbreak behind Kate's brave public face.
Feelings of numbness give way to
desperation and rage at the abductor who snatched three-year-old
Madeleine from the family's holiday apartment in Portugal.
She talks of her frustration at the lack
of progress of the Portuguese police investigation.
Detectives made public selected passages
from the diary in a bid to portray Kate and Gerry as cold and
But the full journal paints a very
The diary begins on May 3, 2007 ' the day
Madeleine vanished from the Algarve resort of Praia da Luz.
Kate gives Madeleine and two-year-old
twins Sean and Amelie milk and biscuits and reads them a bedtime story.
She writes: 'Kisses goodnight for M
(Madeleine). Pulled the door to as far as possible without shutting it.
Silence. Dry hair. Put make-up on. Glass of wine. Restaurant.'
Madeleine was discovered missing at 10pm
On May 4, Kate writes: 'No sleep. Gerry
and I started looking through the streets around 06.00 as it was
starting to get light. Nobody around. Why not' Desperate. Minutes seem
The diary allows Kate to vent her
frustration at the way local police were conducting the inquiry.
She says of her and Gerry's first visit
to the police station: 'Nobody from the police introduced themselves.
Nobody offered us a drink or food.
'All the police dressed informally and
smoking. No sympathy was shown and far from inspiring.'
Later, Kate is left furious over a claim
from Portuguese police that the McCanns had been responsible for
contaminating the crime scene and holding them to blame for the loss of
Describing her 'tears, despair, rage,
helplessness', Kate says: 'How dare they insinuate that our daughter's
life could be put in danger because of us.
'My darling little Madeleine, you know
that we wouldn't do anything to put you in danger.'
She outlines her struggle to try to
remain strong for her twins and how the family marked Madeleine's fourth
birthday on May 12 with a special mass at a church in Praia da Luz.
But on May 30 dark thoughts begin to
crowd in on the grieving mother.
She says: 'Tomorrow it will be four weeks
since Madeleine was taken.
'We are not certain we will ever see her
again, but know that we have to keep up our hope and strength for the
others, at least. Exhausted.'
Then she adds: 'I love you so much,
Madeleine. You must come back! X'
The diary ends on July 31 ' the day
before it was seized by Portuguese police.
Kate's final entry reads:
'Night-night Madeleine, my dearest little angel.
'Sweet dreams my little one. Be strong.