Kate McCann longed for death after her daughter
Madeleine’s disappeared,
she admitted yesterday. Choking back tears, she told for the first time
how she had wanted her life to end but insisted she had never
contemplated suicide.
Mrs McCann, 42, faced criticism because she appeared cold and did not
break down. But she revealed how in her bleakest hours, she wanted to
die to stop the pain.
|
Suffering together: Kate and Gerry McCann during their
interview yesterday |
The former GP and her husband Gerry, 41, gave their most honest and
moving
interview to the BBC World Service to mark the third anniversary of
Madeleine’s disappearance on Monday.
Madeleine was three when she vanished from her parents’ rented
apartment
in the
Portuguese resort of
Praia da Luz as they ate at a nearby restaurant
with friends.
There have been no confirmed sightings since. But the couple, who also
have twins
Sean and Amelie, five, have not given up.
The McCanns,
of Rothley, Leicestershire, have launched a ‘holiday pack’
of stickers
and posters showing Madeleine’s face. They hope holiday-makers will
distribute them
around the world to try to find Madeleine.
Longing for death:
GERRY:
Really early on, there was a time when I was worried because Kate said
she
wanted to go into the ocean and keep swimming and swimming and swimming.
That
obviously caused great distress. The emotions are so raw early on.
KATE:
I used to have thoughts like maybe we’ll get wiped out in the car on the
motorway. So it would just happen, we’d all be gone and the pain would
be away. But there’s always somebody left behind with that pain. We have
got family who have been fantastic, friends who have been fantastic.
It was just so painful and it’s just so hard to describe, that heavy,
suffocating feeling day in day out, that pain of missing Madeleine and
anxiety for her.
There were times when I did want it to end. I wouldn’t have done
anything, I have never
thought of doing anything, but what I do know now for sure is that I
don’t want that.
Things have changed. I am desperate to be here with Sean and Amelie and
to help find Madeleine.
What they believe has happened to Madeleine:
KATE:
You just hope that it’s somebody who is looking after Madeleine. Who
knows why they’ve taken her but I hope they’re looking after her and
that she’s comfortable in the situation she’s in, that she is not at
harm and that she’s getting love and happiness. That’s all I can hope
for.
GERRY:
Early on we couldn’t think of anything else but the worst case, where
everything was negative, that she’d been taken, abused and killed and
dumped, or maybe left seriously injured and dumped out in the freezing
cold.
There have been individuals who, for whatever
reason, have seemingly not wanted to find Madeleine. That’s
how it appears to us… There are many people who’ve tried to
derail what we’re doing along the way. |
I can promise you we could think of almost no other scenario. Of course,
that scenario is still possible… but there is no evidence of physical
harm to Madeleine. As parents, we can’t accept she’s dead without
absolute evidence of that.
KATE:
In my heart, I feel she’s out there. I really do. And that, together
with the feeling that I have of this not being over, of her still being
there. The hardest thing, obviously, is how do we find her?
Sean and Amelie:
GERRY:
Sean, in particular, talks about having an aeroplane and flying all over
the world looking for ‘that man who’s taken Madeleine’ and when he gets
him he’s going to rescue her and take his sword out.
KATE:
At the moment they don’t show any signs of anger. A month or so ago, I
went for a run and I suddenly started thinking about Sean and Amelie
getting much older, they will understand more.
They’re going to feel the same kind of pain and loss and anger that
we’ve felt over the last couple of years. I suddenly thought, ‘I don’t
want them to feel that’.
I know how hard it has been for us, I don’t want them to have to go
through that in addition to not having their sister with them.
Kate’s dreams:
I HAVE only had three dreams, all the same, they’re when I find her.
It’s actually when I see her. They are actually incredibly painful.
The first one I was in Portugal and it was very tangible… I think I got
rung by the nursery where she went to and they said ‘Madeleine’s here’.
I went but then I was holding her and it felt like I was holding her and
then I woke up and I was hysterical, actually, it was horrible.
|
Torture of not knowing: Mr McCann said he will not accept
Madeleine is dead until he has proof |
Why they left children:
Torture of not knowing: Mr McCann said he will not accept Madeleine is
dead until he has proof
KATE:
It just felt so safe, subconsciously, that was the restaurant for the
apartments where we were staying. I think it took me 37 seconds to go
back to the apartment.
The fact that I didn’t have to consciously think, ‘Is this right or is
this wrong, is this safe or is it not?’, implies that I thought it was
totally safe. I had a flashback recently of
that, of me and Gerry just holding each other and saying ‘We’ve let her
down, we’ve let her down’, just because we weren’t there. I would never
in a million years have anticipated something like that.
GERRY:
If anything, prior to this, I would have said Kate was overprotective.
The fact that she was so comfortable, we were all comfortable… It wasn’t
a debate, we just didn’t perceive risk at all.
Police investigation:
KATE:
If this was a murder inquiry there’d be an active investigation because
they’d want to find the perpetrator. But as it stands we have a
perpetrator who’s still at
large and therefore puts – potentially puts – other children at risk,
and we still have a missing child.
So why is there no active investigation? I’m angry and frustrated
really, this is our daughter, she’s still missing and there’s no
investigation to find her. It’s a farce.
GERRY:
Officially for 18 months and longer, law enforcement are not proactively
doing anything to find Madeleine, and who took her, and I just think
that is fundamentally unacceptable… There have been individuals who, for
whatever reason, have seemingly not wanted to find Madeleine. That’s how
it appears to us… There are many people who’ve tried to derail what
we’re doing along the way.
KATE:
I also think there’ll be some people who would be greatly embarrassed if
Madeleine was found and that scares me. That might affect their want, or
not, for Madeleine to be found.
Belief in God:
GERRY:
If anything, when this first happened it strengthened my faith. I felt
that there was such support and I really felt that may have been God’s
work, that something good was going to come out of this.
I’m struggling much more now, without a doubt. I think that for one
child to have been the recipient of so many millions of prayers, you
think, ‘Well I do have my doubt’. If those prayers were going to work,
they should have worked a long time ago.
KATE:
I don’t hate God… I just can’t understand why so much could be allowed
to land on one family and go seemingly unchallenged. So I would be angry
with God but then I would voice that, I would let it out.
Prayers for abductor:
KATE:
I usually pray for them to see the error of their ways, to have
compassion and courage to come forward… The pain and the fear that it’s
caused Madeleine and the
pain it’s caused to our family makes it incredibly difficult to sit here
and say ‘Yes, I forgive him’. It would be important to know who’s taken
Madeleine and why.
GERRY:
Until we find Madeleine and who took her we don’t know what we will be
asked to forgive. |