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THE parents of Madeleine McCann told last night how they are clinging to the
hope that the person who snatched her is sad, not bad.
Mum Kate says: "We know there are bad people out there, but we know there
are also a lot of sad people. We hope it's the latter." At the couple's
apartment in Praia da Luz, Portugal, dad Gerry adds: "You
can imagine different people wanting children for different reasons. Some of
those reasons are much more sinister than others. We try not to think about
that. There are a number of scenarios and it is safe to say we have thought
about all of the possibilities. Until we actually know who has taken her and
what's happened to her, it's hard to think it through."
Exactly a month after Madeleine was snatched on Thursday, May 3, Gerry and Kate
have opened their hearts for the first time about their darkest fear... that
their precious daughter may no longer be alive.
But they are bravely determined not to be dragged into what they call a
"spiral of despair" by dwelling on such a negative possibility - or
to even think about pointing the finger of blame at each other.
Gerry says: "We are in this together. Of course we feel guilty. We feel
that we have let her down. We were not there at that moment she was abducted.
But we have never subconsciously or consciously thought, 'It's Kate's fault,
it's my fault'.
"We are responsible parents. When something terrible happens, in any walk
of life, people look to blame people. We are a couple. We are her parents, we
love her absolutely desperately. We certainly don't go along with blame and
divisiveness."
Gerry and Kate, both 38, have impressed the world with their show of courage,
determination and dignity during the hunt to find their daughter. But yesterday
they revealed the inner torture they are enduring as they battle against
thoughts of what may have happened to her.
Gerry says: "Of course we believe Madeleine is still alive, but you would
be incredible if you hadn't considered the worst scenario that she's
dead."
Looking down at her lap and holding Gerry's hand tightly, Kate says:
"Everybody has considered that."
Gerry says they have allowed themselves to think about the person who snatched
Madeleine from her bed. They just pray that she is being cared for.
"Madeleine did not deserve this," he says. "She did not deserve
to be abducted.
"It is heart-wrenching for everyone involved and we pray constantly that
she is well and being looked after."
In their fight to remain positive, Gerry says they try to block out their
thoughts of Madeleine's kidnapper.
"It is pure speculation that leads us into negative thoughts," he
says. "We don't think for any length of time about who might have her or
why they have her. Therefore it is hard to generate our anger."
Kate, still clutching the Cuddle Cat toy that has not left her side since
four-year-old Madeleine disappeared, adds: "We have anger. But it is anger
at the situation. I think that is part of the normal grieving process."
Gerry says: "It's like the same as having a bereavement,
being diagnosed with cancer. There's a lot of mixed
emotions, and anger is one of them."
Giving a rare glimpse of the anger he feels towards Madeleine's kidnapper,
Gerry says: "There is no doubt that it is an evil act. That is the
simplest way to say it without getting into very strong words." But he
says they refuse to think for long about their worst fears and cling to the hope
that Madeleine is alive.
"Until we are sure what has happened, it is hard to sort any of these
thoughts," he says.
Kate, wearing green and yellow ribbons on her belt for hope and remembrance,
spoke of the terrible guilt they feel for having left Madeleine on the night
she was taken.
The couple, from Rothely, Leicestershire, took turns
to check on their three children every half hour as they ate at a Tapas
restaurant 50 yards from their holiday apartment. But when Kate returned at
10pm, Madeleine was gone.
Kate also reveals that they find thinking about Madeleine too painful, but that
too has left them plagued with guilt.
"In the first three days it was virtually impossible to shut the negative
thoughts out, but you realise that as a coping strategy you have to do
that," she says. "We both said you feel guilty for not thinking about
her.
"Normally we'd be thinking about her all the time. It's important for us
and for her that we don't become negative, and we're not."
Gerry says: "You'd be inhuman if you were able to block this out
completely. But I have become good at blocking it out because when I get into
the negatives it takes me back, it sort of spirals downwards into despair. We
have our low moments, but we have been very positive. We will not give up until
there is absolutely no hope."
Kate says: "We don't know where she is - that is the bottom line. We'd
like to think she's still in Portugal.
But we know there's a possibility she's gone over the border or several
borders."
Asked how he imagines Madeleine, Gerry says he cannot bear to think about where
she is now. His image of her is stuck in time. He remembers her as the happy,
giggling little girl she was when he last saw her.
He says: "When I think about her now, it's thinking about the little happy
three, nearly four-year-old running around doing things, and us playing with
her. It is all the things which were so special to us, and not where she is
now."
The couple, who are devoting nearly all of their time to the international
campaign to find Madeleine, say they remain buoyed by hope that they will be
reunited with her.
Kate says: "We still have hope because we don't have any news to suggest
otherwise. It's really important that we do have that hope, that we remain
positive, because that is the way we are going to get her back.
"As time goes on, everyone gets quite negative. Every day is one too
many."
Gerry adds: "If we knew who had her, and they had a track record, we'd say
the chances of her being alive are diminishing. But even then, there are cases
where someone comes out well at the end of it."
The couple, who have found great comfort in their Catholic faith and met the
Pope in a special Vatican audience last week,
say they cannot consider forgiving Madeleine's abductor until they know what
happened to her.
Gerry says: "Forgiveness is something we will address when we've found her
and we know what's happened and who's taken her."
Portuguese detectives have faced growing criticism over the way the
investigation has been handled. Despite the hunt for Madeleine being publicised
worldwide, they have uncovered few clues and appear to be no closer to finding
her.
But, determined to remain positive, Gerry says: "Of course we are
frustrated and desperate that we don't have her. I can understand why some
would say that there has been a lack of progress, but the police are working
through things systematically.
"The investigation now is as good or almost as good as it ever can be.
Expert help from the UK
has added to the strong desire and hard work of the Portugese
detectives. This is possibly one of the biggest investigations ever in Portugal. There
is a huge amount of information being processed by the Portugese
and British police."
However, it took police three weeks to release a description of a man seen
carrying a child away from the McCann's apartment on the night, even though it
was a family friend of the McCanns who reported the sighting.
Gerry says: "We all supported each other during the traumatic period. We
are very good friends and continue to support each other."
Kate, who has visibly lost weight since Madeleine's disappearance, said they
have tried to look after their health for the sake of their two-year-old twins,
Sean and Amelie.
She says: "In the first few days your appetite just goes and you can't
sleep. I think that's a normal reaction. Then something kicks in and things
return."
Gerry says: "For the first three days I was forcing myself to eat and
drink. But now, apart from when I have blips or the dark, negative thoughts
kick in, I feel pretty normal physically. Night times are always the hardest.
When you go to bed you tend to be more contemplative. But we are usually so
tired by then we fall asleep quite quickly."
Kate says looking after the twins has given them some small relief from their
constant nightmare. "They are young enough to not have a great concept of
what's going on, or of time. They are a lot of fun and keep us going."
Gerry says: "The fact that Sean and Amelie are twins helps. They are too
young to know Madeleine has been missing for a long time. We have to make sure
we give them the love and attention they need."
The couple now plan to visit European cities to publicise the hunt for their
daughter. They are also planning a global Madeleine Day to raise awareness that
she is still missing. Gerry says they hope to hold a massive concert or sports
event to mark the day later this year.
Meanwhile, he says they still can't bear to think about returning home to the UK without
Madeleine. "I would have to feel that the investigation in Portugal was
exhausted," he says. "This is where she was abducted from - the
investigation is centred around here. We want to be
close to that."
We have never once thought of blaming each other |
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