The purpose of this site is for information and a record of Gerry McCann's Blog Archives. As most people will appreciate GM deleted all past blogs from the official website. Hopefully this Archive will be helpful to anyone who is interested in Justice for Madeleine Beth McCann. Many Thanks, Pamalam

Note: This site does not belong to the McCanns. It belongs to Pamalam. If you wish to contact the McCanns directly, please use the contact/email details campaign@findmadeleine.com    

Serialisation Of 'Madeleine' Begins*

MCCANN FILES HOME BACK TO GERRY MCCANNS BLOGS HOME PAGE PHOTOGRAPHS
NEWS REPORTS INDEX MCCANN PJ FILES NEWS MAY 2007
 
Serialisation of Kate McCann's book Madeleine begins in The Sun and The Sunday Times, but not on this site following a 'TAKE DOWN NOTICE' from the Corporate Legal Enforcement Team, who act for News Group Newspapers Limited and Times Newspapers Limited.

© The Sun 2011. Our lawyers are watching, 07 May 2011
© The Sun 2011. Our lawyers are watching

By Nigel Moore
07 May 2011 15:10pm

As anyone who has today purchased The Sun newspaper will know, the title of this short piece appears at various points in the papers exclusive serialisation of Kate McCann's book Madeleine.

It is now clear that this warning was no idle threat, as this morning I received a 'TAKE DOWN NOTICE' from the Corporate Legal Enforcement Team, who act for News Group Newspapers Limited and Times Newspapers Limited - publishers of The Sun and Sunday Times respectively (collectively 'News International').

The notice related to content which had been published on this site (including text and pictures) from the unpublished book written by Kate McCann - and which had been reproduced here from content originally published on The Sun website.

It pointed out that News International controls copyright in relation to the unpublished book and that Further News Group Newspapers Limited owns or controls copyright in the accompanying article published in The Sun newspaper, and online, on 07 May 2011.

Given that neither I, nor this site, hold any copyright over the material referenced in the notice, I have complied with this legal demand and now removed the articles. And whilst I could puff my chest out and make rebellious noises, the fact is it would signify nothing.

Better to concentrate time and effort on the search for the truth about what really happened to Madeleine and accept the absence of any extracts from Kate's book. Whilst that is certainly unfortunate, it is, on the basis of extracts so far published, unlikely to impact on the continuing search for the truth.

Serialisation of Kate's book starts Saturday, 05 May 2011
Serialisation of Kate's book starts Saturday Official Find Madeleine Campaign - Facebook

 
Official Find Madeleine Campaign Facebook entry, 05 May 2011

Thursday, 05 May 2011 at 18:53

If you are interested in purchasing our book, it will be serialised starting in The Sun on Saturday. All proceeds from the book will go to the Find Madeleine Fund.
 
Resistance to buying 'the Scum'... Official Find Madeleine Campaign - Facebook

 
Official Find Madeleine Campaign Facebook entry, 05 May 2011

Comment by supporter:

Thursday, 05 May 2011 at 20:08

I wud never purchase the Scum .. Im sorry .. Is there another way i can buy the book . As a Liverpudlian it goes completley against the grain to buy this rag. I am so sorry Kate an Gerry xx the search for Madeleine must never stop till we find her ..god bless you x

Response from the McCanns:

Thursday, 05 May 2011 at 20:17

Irene, if you don't want to read the Sun, we would love for you to buy the book. You can purchase from Amazon or from your local book shop. And no need to apologise. Everyone has papers they like and dislike. ;)
 
Kate's book available 'in your local shop'... Official Find Madeleine Campaign - Facebook

 
Official Find Madeleine Campaign Facebook entry, 05 May 2011

Thursday, 05 May 2011 at 21:28

For those of you that want to buy the book in your local shop, it will be available at Asda, Sainsbury's, Tesco and WH Smith. It will be available to order online at Amazon UK and can be ordered in print or as an eBook. Thanks to all that have already ordered! ♥

Further message from the McCanns:

Thursday, 05 May 2011 at 21:43

Lesley, we will be on the Late Late Show tomorrow night. Sian, the book will be available in the shops on the 12th of May. Kathia, we are checking with our publisher regarding the release in other countries. Will keep you all posted.

Jenni Murray to talk to Kate McCann on Woman's Hour, 05 May 2011
Jenni Murray to talk to Kate McCann on Woman's Hour BBC Radio 4

Woman's Hour Jenni Murray talks to Kate McCann

Thursday 05 May 2011

12/05/2011

NEXT ON:
Next Thursday, 10:00 on BBC Radio 4

On today's Woman's Hour Jenni Murray talks to Kate McCann about the on going search for her daughter.

Tormented Kate McCann: I go and sit in Maddie's bedroom twice a day, 06 May 2011
Tormented Kate McCann: I go and sit in Maddie's bedroom twice a day Daily Mail

By SAM GREENHILL
Last updated at 11:07 PM on 6th May 2011

Kate McCann lives in 'utter torment' and still visits her lost daughter Madeleine's bedroom twice a day, she reveals today.

Four years after Madeleine, then three, disappeared in Portugal, her mother re-opens the wounds in a heart-wrenching book designed to shame the authorities who have 'given up' into re-launching the hunt.

Ahead of its publication on Madeleine's eighth birthday next Thursday, Mrs McCann, 43, declared she and her husband Gerry 'hope and pray that it will bring us the result we long for' and that 'this whole ordeal and heartache will be behind us before too much longer'.

Kate McCann, right, has written a book about the disappearance of  Madeleine, left, and hopes sales will fund the search for her daughter

Her deeply personal book attacks both the British and Portuguese police investigations into the case for refusing to release potentially vital clues, adding that her pleas to them have 'fallen on  deaf ears'.

The couple, from Rothley, Leicestershire, both doctors, also hope sales of the book will raise £1million to continue funding the worldwide hunt.

Mrs McCann said: 'Every penny we raise through its sales will be spent on our search for Madeleine. Nothing is more important to us than finding our little girl.'

She added: 'Madeleine is still missing and there is still a lot to be done. Our efforts to find her are not diminishing. If anything, they are escalating.

Kate and Gerry McCann, pictured outside their house in Leicestershire, try to live as normally as possible for the sake of their children

'The need for a review by the authorities of Madeleine's case remains, and our desire to achieve this unwavering.'

Lost: Next Thursday marks Madeleine McCann's eight birthday. She went missing a few days before she turned four

But she complained: 'We have tried in vain to get the authorities to play their part but our requests have seemingly fallen on deaf ears.

'It is simply not acceptable that they have, to all intents and purposes, given up on Madeleine. We need the authorities to do more.

'We are still searching for her. Our small team continues to review all available information, even though we still don't have access to all of the information that the UK and Portuguese authorities have.'

To the McCanns' intense frustration, the Madeleine  police files have been officially abandoned.

Mrs McCann said it was 'incredible' that no police force was looking for Madeleine and there had been no formal review of the police evidence, despite this being 'routine practice in most countries, especially when a key piece of the jigsaw may have been overlooked'.

Mrs McCann wrote the book on the computer in her study over five months and said finishing it was a 'relief'. She turned down the offer of a ghost writer, keen for the book to be in her own words.

Madeleine disappeared from her bed in the family's holiday apartment in Praia da Luz on the Algarve on May 3, 2007, days before her fourth birthday, while her parents were dining at a nearby tapas restaurant with friends. Her younger brother and sister, twins Sean and Amelie, who were sleeping alongside her, are now six years old.

Gone: Gerry McCann's daughter disappeared from her bed in an apartment in Praia da Luz in Portgual, pictured

Friends say the McCanns' ordeal continues to take a daily toll on their lives, but the couple live as normally as possible for the sake of their children.

Once the twins are at school, Mrs McCann goes for a long run around the country lanes and, at weekends, she is often seen with the children in the village, taking them to swimming and dancing lessons.

But twice a day, she also sets aside time to sit in quiet reflection in Madeleine's bedroom, which friends say brings her comfort and solace.

The twins sometimes play in the room, but it is off-limits to visitors.

Tortured Mrs McCann also returns to Praia da Luz twice a year as it is where she feels closest to her lost daughter. She hopes that by penning her story, somebody, somewhere who holds the key to unlocking the mystery will be prompted to come forward.

The McCanns believe that Portuguese police, pictured at the apartment where Maddie went missing, have "given up" on the case

Friends say the process of writing the book was 'intensely painful' for Mrs McCann. She was forced to relive the moment she realised Madeleine had vanished from her bed, and chart the dramatic events in the months that followed when even she and her husband became suspects. They were later fully exonerated.

Mrs McCann said: 'This decision has not been an easy one. Many factors needed to be given thorough and careful consideration, not least the impact of such a book on the lives of our three children. My reason for writing is simple – to give an account of the truth.'

Her book will serve as a hard-hitting reply to the controversial book published by former Portuguese detective Goncalo Amaral. He was sued for libel by the McCanns for publishing his theory – despite minimal evidence to support it – that Madeleine died accidentally in the apartment and her parents staged an elaborate cover-up.

I've been to hell and back to revive the huge search for Madeleine, says Kate McCann, 07 May 2011
I've been to hell and back to revive the huge search for Madeleine, says Kate McCann Daily Express

Friends revealed that GP Kate McCann, 43 spent five months on the book

By Padraic Flanagan and Tracey Kandohia
Saturday May 7,2011

KATE McCann reveals today how she forced herself to relive the torment of her daughter Madeleine's disappearance in a bid to reignite the search.

Friends said she "went to hell and back" to write the book she hopes will find her daughter, recollecting every detail from those first terrifying days four years ago.

She is being thrown back into the global media spotlight as she prepares for the publication of her 400-page memoir titled Madeleine, billed as "the most heartbreaking book you will ever read".

Friends revealed that GP Kate, 43 spent five months on the book – which goes on sale on Madeleine's eighth birthday next Thursday – and often broke down reliving her nightmare.

She hopes its launch will be the key to the solution and is using it to appeal to the youngster's kidnappers to "let her come home".

"The whole family is undergoing great stress," said a friend who has been consoling Kate at her home in Rothley, Leicestershire. "Kate's been in pieces."

She added: "Not only is the book about her darling daughter, which she never wanted to write, coming out but the family has also had to cope with the emotional fourth anniversary of her abduction."

The friend said: "Kate is a very private person and doesn't like being in the public spotlight.

"She only wrote the book because the Find Madeleine Fund set up to search for her daughter was running out of money.

"She has spent the last five months reliving every parent's worst nightmare. She has only written the book because she feels it could help solve the mystery and could raise millions of pounds for the fund.

"At times it has been heartbreaking but she has tried to keep strong and carried on for Madeleine's sake. She is now facing a week from hell as the book comes out and she has to do media interviews to keep it in the spotlight."

The friend said Kate's six-year-old twins, Sean and Amelie, helped their mother cope.

Family spokesman Clarence Mitchell said: "At times reliving her nightmare has reduced her to tears. But it has also given her a great sense of focus and renewed hope that it could lead to her daughter being found."

He added: "Kate is writing the book to raise awareness of her daughter's disappearance and to pay private investigators to continue the search. Ultimately, she is hoping and praying it will lead to Madeleine being found alive."

Three-year-old Madeleine disappeared from the family's holiday flat in the resort of Praia da Luz, Portugal, on May 3 2007. Kate and her heart specialist husband Gerry, 42, are convinced the £20 book, to be published worldwide, will help to trigger new leads. They hope sales and syndication deals will raise more than £1million to boost the Find Madeleine fund.

The book was originally due to be released on April 28 but publishers Transworld delayed publication by a fortnight over fears it would clash with the "media frenzy" surrounding the Royal Wedding.

Mr Mitchell said: "We cannot predict if it will be a bestseller but Kate and Gerry are hoping it will sell very well. Every copy sold will assist the search for Madeleine."

Kate still finds solace in sitting in Madeleine's pretty pink bedroom twice a day, revealing: "It's a comforting feeling. We haven't changed anything."

She admits she is stronger and her anger – "a horrible negative emotion" – which nearly destroyed her in the months after Madeleine's disappearance has subsided. She said "The wounds are less raw but the pain doesn't go away and the anxiety is always there. But I am definitely a lot stronger than a year ago."

She added: "We've got a lot of hope that Madeleine is still alive. The difficult task is trying to find her but whilst there is hope we'll keep going and will certainly never give up."

Last Tuesday, the McCanns marked the anniversary with an open-air prayer vigil in their village, attended by relatives and well-wishers. Commenting on the painful experience of writing the book, devout Catholic Kate said: "We pray that it will bring us the result we long for and that not only the book but this whole ordeal and heartache will be behind us before too much longer."

Kate McCann...4 years on, 07 May 2011
Kate McCann...4 years on Daily Mirror

Daily Mirror, 07 May 2011

Saturday 07 May 2011

I'm sure my Madeleine is still alive

-----------------------

Kate McCann: Twice a day I go into her room, just to say 'Hello Madeleine' and think of our bedtime cuddles Daily Mirror

by Rachael Bletchly
7/05/2011

HAUNTED by visions of her daughter being dragged off by a pervert, Kate McCann lives a daily torment.

She has "flashes in her head" of Madeleine being hurt and screaming for her parents as she is snatched and horrifically abused.

The revelations come in a book, simply called Madeleine, on the fourth anniversary of the disappearance of Kate and her husband Gerry's beloved little girl.

The harrowing book forced them to recall every agonising moment of their daughter's disappearance, the initial ­terrified search and the desperate aching need for her to come home alive.

In the book, she writes: "I had a flashback recently of me and Gerry just holding each other afterwards and saying, 'We've let her down, we've let her down', because we weren't there."

And they still believe she is alive. Kate tells how twice a day, when her six-year-old twins are playing happily downstairs, she slips quietly into Madeleine’s bedroom and sits on the floor, surrounded by toys and piles of unopened birthday and Christmas presents and talks to her missing child.

For the past four years Kate has followed this same touching ritual… "just to say hello to Madeleine".

But this week, as Kate and Gerry mark another year since Madeleine's disappearance and prepare for her eighth birthday, the pain is somehow even worse.

"I feel Madeleine is still close to me and alive and I hope someone is looking after her, that she's getting love and happiness," says Kate. "But the pain is incredible. I'm her mum and I want to bring her back into the warmth and love of our family."

Kate and Gerry, both 43, have endured a living hell since their daughter vanished during a family holiday in Praia da Luz, Portugal, in May 2007.

Unbelievably, they were accused of harming their own child and named "arguidos", or suspects, in the bungled Portuguese police investigation which was shelved in 2008.

The McCanns hired private detectives to hunt for Madeleine, but funds are running dry. So, desperate to reignite the search and raise money to pay for it, Kate bravely wrote her own account of Madeleine’s disappearance. And the book, published with the help of Harry Potter author JK Rowling, is out on Thursday.

The McCanns hope it will prompt someone to come forward with information. And the £1million it is expected to raise should pay for the detectives to keep hunting for another two years.

But Kate and Gerry know that means throwing themselves back into the ­spotlight and facing the cruel whispers and sick conspiracy ­theories that still follow them today. Kate has agreed to give a series of interviews but has shunned public book signings because she is scared of being abused or physically attacked.

A friend reveals: "Kate couldn't cope with anyone having a go at her over the book – writing it has been draining enough. Reliving every moment of Madeleine's disappearance has taken its toll."

A law firm scrutinised the manuscript, knowing Kate wants to "settle scores" after the couple were forced to take legal action to block the UK publication of a book called The Truth to The Lie, written by a ­detective, Goncalo Amaral, which implicated the McCanns.

Furious the case has been abandoned, Kate and Gerry have launched a petition calling for the Government to press the Portuguese authorities to reopen it.

Kate says: "If this was a murder inquiry there'd be an investigation. But as it stands we have a perpetrator still at large who therefore puts other children at risk, and we have a missing child."

This week Portuguese police were not returning calls on the case, but their most recent statement said: "In July 2008, the Portuguese attorney general shelved the investigation and lifted the arguido status of Mr and Mrs McCann." In the book Kate faces up to the ­question that's been asked so many times – why did she and Gerry leave Madeleine and her two-year old brother and sister alone in that apartment while they dined with friends?

She explains: "It felt safe. It took me just 37 seconds to get back to the apartment. The fact I didn't have to consciously think, 'Is this right or wrong?' implies I thought it was totally safe."

Since then, Kate admits sometimes wishing she was dead. She says: "I used to have thoughts like maybe we'll get wiped out on the motorway. It would just happen and the pain would go away. There were times when I did want it to end. I wouldn't have done anything, but what I do know now is that I don't want that.

"I am desperate to be here with [their twins] Sean and Amelie and to help find Madeleine. I'm stronger than I was, which is ­positive, but there is guilt and discomfort – I think, 'How come I am doing OK and coping better… that's not right'."

Four years on Kate and Gerry never had any real chance of returning to normal life. After returning home to Rothley, Leics, heart specialist Gerry went back to work at a hospital in Leicester but Kate gave up her job as a GP.

A devout Catholic, she has made several visits back to Praia da Luz to stay with the local parish priest Father Haynes Hubbard, saying it helps her feel close to Madeleine. But so does sitting in her daughter's room treasuring every memory of Madeleine – a much-loved IVF child.

"Oh my God there are lots," she smiles. "I used to take Madeleine swimming and she had this really tight swimming cap. She was only three, but she would just walk along on her own, really confident.

"These huge eyes would look at me through the glass and she'd be waving, 'Hi Mummy' and I'd be texting Gerry saying, 'She has got me crying again'.

"Madeleine was a gift. We had quite a difficult time trying to have her and I never took her for granted. Every day when I'd see those huge eyes looking at me I'd say thank God for Madeleine.

"So I like to go to her room to say hello, and think of just lying with her."

McCanns haunted by Madeleine vision, 07 May 2011
McCanns haunted by Madeleine vision Belfast Telegraph

Kate and Gerry McCann have been haunted by visions of their missing daughter Madeleine
Kate and Gerry McCann have been haunted by visions of their missing daughter Madeleine

Saturday, 7 May 2011

Kate McCann was stuck in an "endless bad dream" and haunted by visions of her missing daughter Madeleine after her disappearance, she has said.

In a personal account of how the three-year-old vanished on a 2007 family holiday to Portugal, Mrs McCann described how she immediately feared that the youngster had fallen victim to a paedophile.

In an extract from the book, which is entitled Madeleine and released next week, the 43-year-old said: "The truly awful manifestation of what I was feeling was a macabre slideshow of vivid pictures in my brain that taunted me relentlessly.

"I was crying out that I could see Madeleine lying cold and mottled, on a big grey stone slab. The pictures I saw of our Madeleine no sane human being would want in her head, but they were in mine. I simply couldn't rid myself of these evil scenes in the early days and weeks."

The book's release comes almost four years after the three-year-old vanished. It was written by Mrs McCann using her personal diaries. In another extract, serialised by The Sun, Mrs McCann revealed that her husband Gerry was also wracked with similar harrowing thoughts and visions.

Mrs McCann wrote: "I asked Gerry apprehensively if he'd had any really horrible thoughts or visions of Madeleine. He nodded. Haltingly I told him about the awful pictures that scrolled through my head of her body torn apart. I struggled constantly to think nice thoughts and drift off to sleep, but the demons had me in their grip and would torture me mercilessly with images too frightening and painful to share."

Mrs McCann, from Rothley, Leicestershire, also lays bare how she wanted to kill and "inflict the maximum pain possible" on the person who had abducted her daughter. The book also criticises the Portuguese authorities, who shelved the investigation into Madeleine's disappearance in July 2008, for failing to investigate other alleged child abductions thoroughly.

It also documents the moment Mrs McCann discovered that her daughter had vanished from their apartment in the resort of Praia du Luz and the frantic search that ensued. The former doctor, who had been dining with her husband and seven friends at a tapas restaurant 100 metres from the youngster's room, said: "When I realised Madeleine wasn't actually there, I went through to our bedroom to see if she'd got into our bed.

"On the discovery of another empty bed, the first wave of panic hit me. Nausea, terror, disbelief, fear. Icy fear. Dear God, no! Please, no!"

Proceeds from the 384-page book, which Mrs McCann has written herself without the aid of a ghost writer, will boost the dwindling fund to search for her daughter.

Tormented Kate McCann: I'm tortured by thought that Maddie is being abused by a paedophile, 07 May 2011
Tormented Kate McCann: I'm tortured by thought that Maddie is being abused by a paedophile Daily Mail

By SAM GREENHILL and LYDIA WARREN
Last updated at 1:49 AM on 7th May 2011

Kate McCann is consumed by the fear that Madeleine was snatched by a paedophile.

Four years after her daughter disappeared in Portugal, she has revealed she is tortured by a belief an abuser is responsible.

In an interview, Mrs McCann, 43, describes the guilt she endures on a daily basis over her daughter's abduction.

Kate McCann, right, has written a book about the disappearance of  Madeleine, left, and hopes sales will fund the search for her daughter

Marriage strain: Kate and Gerry McCann. Gerry said: 'There were times when I thought she (Kate) would never get back to being the woman I loved.'

'I become consumed with it. It was torture for me. It was horrible, so vivid,' she said.

Madeleine was snatched from her bed in the McCanns' apartment at a resort in Praia da Luz, Portugal, on the evening of May 3, 2007, days before she turned four.

Her parents were dining with friends at a restaurant, fewer than 100 yards away, and regularly returned to the room to check on their three sleeping children.

But the last time Mrs McCann went to check she found Madeleine had gone.

In her forthcoming book, to be called Madeleine, she writes: 'When she was first stolen, paedophiles were all we could think about, and it ate away at us.

'The truly awful manifestation of what I was feeling was a macabre slideshow of vivid pictures in my brain that taunted me relentlessly.

'I was crying out that I could see Madeleine lying, cold and mottled on a big grey stone slab.

'The idea of a monster like this touching my daughter, stroking her, defiling her perfect little body, just killed me over and over again.

'I would lie in bed, hating the person who had done this to us – the person who had taken away our little girl and terrified her. I hated him. I wanted to kill him.'

Kate and Gerry McCann, pictured outside their house in Leicestershire, try to live as normally as possible for the sake of their children

Lost: Next Thursday marks Madeleine McCann's eight birthday. She went missing a few days before she turned four

She told the Sun newspaper how her worries intensified when she heard of other abductions involving children nearby. Mrs McCann from Rothley, Leicestershire, also discloses the pressures the ordeal put on her 12-year marriage to husband Gerry.

Immediately after the kidnapping, the couple struggled to cope with their loss and their feelings of guilt. And while she continued on a relentless search for their daughter, he admitted he needed to 'switch off at times'. Mrs McCann, a part-time GP before Madeleine's disappearance, said: 'Gerry and I were just holding each other and saying: 'We're not going to survive this.''

'I didn't know if I would ever get back to the person I was. I was conscious about the effect this had on Gerry. He needed me to be together and I just couldn't get myself there.'

Mr McCann added: 'There were times when I thought she would never get back to being the woman I loved.


 
 

Gone: Gerry McCann's daughter disappeared from her bed in an apartment in Praia da Luz in Portgual, pictured

 

Abused fear: Madeleine's mother Kate McCann has told how she is consumed by fear that her daughter was snatched by a paedophile

'I felt our family was being destroyed. It felt like a fight for survival. That's when I couldn't see a way out.'

His wife credits the support of a trauma consultant, who joined them in Portugal immediately, for the survival of their marriage.

She also said the strength of their two other children, six-year-old twins Amelie and Sean, helped them get through.

Four years after her abduction, Mrs McCann reveals the memory she has of her little girl is frozen in time and she finds it difficult to imagine her as an eight year old.

She has had three dreams of her, all of them describing a phone call she receives informing her that Madeleine has been found.

She said: 'There she is and I'm cuddling her. The thing is, it's so tangible. I can feel her, smell her, feel her snuggling into me, like she always did.

'She's there, I'm holding her, I'm so happy. And then I wake up. And of course she's not there. The pain is crippling.'

The couple hope sales of the book will raise £1million to continue funding the worldwide hunt. Mrs McCann said: 'Every penny we raise through its sales will be spent on our search for Madeleine. Nothing is more important to us than finding our little girl.

'Madeleine is still missing and there is still a lot to be done. Our efforts to find her are not diminishing. If anything, they are escalating.

'The need for a review by the authorities of Madeleine's case remains, and our desire to achieve this unwavering.'

But she complained: 'We have tried in vain to get the authorities to play their part but our requests have seemingly fallen on deaf ears.

'It is simply not acceptable that they have, to all intents and purposes, given up on Madeleine. We need the authorities to do more.

'We are still searching for her. Our small team continues to review all available information, even though we still don't have access to all of the information that the UK and Portuguese authorities have.'



 

The McCanns believe that Portuguese police, pictured at the apartment where Maddie went missing, have "given up" on the case

 

Snatching: This is the apartment from which Madeleline McCann was snatched in Portugal in May 2007

 

To the McCanns' intense frustration, the Madeleine police files have been officially abandoned.

Mrs McCann said it was 'incredible' that no police force was looking for Madeleine and there had been no formal review of the police evidence, despite this being 'routine practice in most countries, especially when a key piece of the jigsaw may have been overlooked'.

Mrs McCann wrote the book on the computer in her study over five months and said finishing it was a 'relief'. She turned down the offer of a ghost writer.

Friends say the McCanns' ordeal takes a daily toll on their lives, but the couple live as normally as possible for the sake of their children.

She is often seen with the children in the village, taking them to swimming and dancing lessons.

Scene watch: Portuguese police officers on duty near the Ocean Club village where Madeleine disappeared in Praia de Luz. Despite a high-profile investigation she has never been found

The 'naughty man'... What twins call kidnapper

Holiday girl: Madeleine McCann in one of the last pictures taken of her

Madeline McCann's twin siblings will be haunted by the tragedy of their missing sister for the rest of their lives, their mother fears.

Amelie and Sean were just two years old when Maddie was snatched from her bed while they slept only a few feet away.

And while the pair, who are now six and attending school, still talk about their older sister, Kate McCann says they are still too young to fully comprehend the situation.

She said: 'I am well aware, if God forbid we are still in this situation, that the pain and the anger and the upset will come as they get older and they realise what actually happened.'

Their mother revealed how she and husband Gerry have found it difficult to explain to the twins why they cannot see their sister any more.

She added: 'We've been as honest as we can. They know that Madeleine was stolen. They call the person who took her "the naughty man".'

Mrs McCann said the children knew their sister had disappeared in Portugal.

'Amelie said, "We went to Portugal and then we woke up and Madeleine was gone."'

At the twins' school in Leicestershire, where Madeleine was due to attend, teachers try to keep their lives as normal as possible.

All the children at the school know what happened – which in some respects has made the job harder. According to the McCanns, one new boy once said to Sean: 'Madeleine is dead, someone shot her.'

Sean later told his parents about it – but handled the situation well, they said.

Mr McCann said: 'He was very matter-of-fact. He said no one knows where Madeleine is.'

His wife added: 'All the parents have been really supportive and I don't blame the child at all, they are only young.

'Children do say things. But I think Sean and Amelie have handled it brilliantly.'

The McCanns said they have drawn strength from the twins, who often comfort them when they are in need.

Dear God, no! The moment she knew Maddie was gone

by ELEANOR HARDING

Artist's impression: Based on witness accounts, an image of the abduction

Kate McCann has described for the first time ever the horrifying moment she discovered Madeleine was missing from her bed.

In her heart-rending new book, she tells how she went back to check on Madeleine and her two-year-old twin siblings, Amelie and Sean.

As she entered the apartment, she felt a draft and noticed the door to the children's bedroom was wide open – but did not immediately realise a stranger had entered.

She said: 'When I realised Madeleine wasn't actually there, I went through to our bedroom to see if she'd got into our bed. That would explain the open door.

'On the discovery of another empty bed, the first wave of panic hit me. As I ran back into the children's room the closed curtains flew up in a gust of wind.

'My heart lurched as I saw now, that, behind them, the window was wide open and the shutters on the outside raised all the way up. Nausea, terror, disbelief, fear. Icy fear. Dear God, no! Please, no!'

Madeleine's bed-sheet still had the corners neatly turned over – and her Cuddle Cat soft toy and pink princess blanket were still lying where she had been sleeping.

Dashing over to the other two beds, Mrs McCann said she found the twins sleeping on obliviously. She then spent 15 seconds frantically searching the cupboards, wardrobe and bathroom of the apartment – but admitted she already feared Madeleine had gone.

Mrs McCann then ran down to the rest of the party shouting, 'Madeleine's gone! Someone's taken her!' As everyone rushed back and began to search, Mrs McCann ran into the car park yelling her lost daughter's name. In extracts printed by The Sun, she tells of how windy it was, and says she kept imagining how cold Madeleine would be in her short-sleeved Eeyore pyjamas, and wishing she'd had her warmer Barbie pyjamas on.

Recalling how fear was 'shearing' through her body, she said the party raised the alarm with the Ocean Club, where they were staying, at about 10.10pm, and asked them to call the police – who did not arrive immediately.

When Mrs McCann went back into the room to check on the twins, she was surprised to see them still sleeping – which made her suspect that they could have been sedated.

Madeleine McCann's little brother promises mum he will never stop looking for her, 07 May 2011
Madeleine McCann's little brother promises mum he will never stop looking for her Sunday Mirror

The McCann family

By Justin Penrose
8/05/2011


Kate McCann has told how her twins give her the strength to fight on and try to find missing Madeleine.

Four years after her daughter was abducted in the Algarve at the age of three, Kate has revealed a poignant conversation with Sean and Amelie, now six.

"Sean said to me recently, 'When you're old me and Amelie will look for Madeleine," said Kate.

"I was chatting to Amelie and she said, 'Mummy's sad because Madeleine is not here. But Amelie is here, and Amelie and Sean will always be here.'"

Kate, speaking before her book Madeleine is published to raise funds to help the hunt for her daughter, told how she worried that she would not be able to cope with losing her child and not knowing what had happened to her.

This was compounded by fears that the worldwide search could tear the family apart and heap pressure on her marriage to ­husband Gerry.

But the twins, who were asleep in the same holiday apartment as Madeleine in Praia Da Luz, Portugal, when she was snatched on May 3 2007, have been the couple's lifeline.

Kate, who in the months after Madeleine's disappearance clung to her daughter's favourite Cuddle Cat toy as a link to the missing toddler, said: "They include Madeleine in everything.

"If they have sweets they ask if they can put the last one in her room. We've been as honest as we can. They know that Madeleine was stolen. They call the person who took her 'the naughty man'." She said the twins, who were just two years old at the time, can recall how they went on holiday to Portugal, woke up and their big sister was gone.

Kate McCann

Madeleine, who would now be nearly eight years old, was snatched from her bed in the McCanns' apartment at the holiday resort.

Kate and Gerry were having dinner with friends in a restaurant close to their apartment and regularly checked on their sleeping children. But the last time Kate went to check she made the horrific discovery that Madeleine was gone.

Portuguese police made only a half-hearted effort to find her before making Kate and Gerry suspects.

And despite a worldwide hunt Madeleine has not been found.

In her book, published this Thursday, Kate reveals that she is haunted by the fear that Maddie was snatched by a ­paedophile. She wrote: "When she was first stolen, paedophiles were all we could think about, and it ate away at us.

"The idea of a monster like this touching my daughter, stroking her, defiling her perfect little body, just killed me over and over again.

"It didn't make any difference that this might not be an explanation for Madeleine's abduction (and please God it isn't). The fact that it was a possibility was enough to prevent me from shutting it out.

"I would lie in bed, hating the person who had done this to us – the person who had taken away our little girl and terrified her.

"I hated him. I wanted to kill him. I wanted to inflict the maximum pain possible on him for heaping all this misery on my family."

She told The Sun newspaper how her fears intensified when she heard about other attacks on children nearby.

The former GP from Rothley, Leics, added that she was consumed with guilt at having left the children alone but did not think there was any risk that they would come to harm.

Immediately after Madeleine's disappearance Kate said she could not get horrendous images of her daughter out of her head.

She wrote: "The truly awful manifestation of what I was feeling was a macabre slideshow of vivid pictures in my brain that taunted me relentlessly.

"I was crying out that I could see Madeleine lying cold and mottled on a big grey stone slab.

"I struggled constantly to think nice thoughts and drift off to sleep, but the demons had me in their grip and would torture me mercilessly with images too frightening and painful to share.

"An entry in my diary from that time: 'Crying in bed again – can't help it. The thought of Madeleine's fear and pain tears me apart. The thought of paedophiles makes me want to rip my skin off.'"

Kate also reveals the heart-rending moment she made the horrifying discovery that her beloved little girl had been snatched from her bed. She had gone back to the apartment and felt a draught while the children's bedroom door was wide open.

Kate and Gerry McCann

When she saw Madeleine was not in her bed, Kate checked to see if she was in hers.

She said: "On the discovery of another empty bed the first wave of panic hit me. As I ran back into the children's room the closed curtains flew up in a great gust of wind.

"My heart lurched as I saw that, behind them, the window was wide open and the shutters on the outside raised all the way up. Nausea, terror disbelief, fear. Icy fear." After scouring the apartment, panic-stricken Kate ran quickly out to alert Gerry and their friends that Madeleine had gone missing.

"As soon as our table was in sight I started screaming: 'Madeleine's gone! Someone's taken her!'" she wrote.

As everyone started to search for her she ran into the car park shouting Madeleine's name.

She added: "It was so cold and windy. I kept picturing her in her short-sleeved Marks & Spencer Eeyore pyjamas and feeling how chilled she would be. Fear was shearing through my body."

As the search continued Kate went back to the apartment to check on the twins, who had slept soundly through the whole ordeal.

Kate feared that the toddlers had been sedated by Madeleine's abductor, who may have also drugged Maddy to keep her quiet.

 Madeleine by Kate McCann will be published by Bantam Press on May 12.

Maddie Police quiz convicted murderers as Kate McCann gives chilling account of moment she found daughter missing, 07 May 2011
Maddie Police quiz convicted murderers as Kate McCann gives chilling account of moment she found daughter missing Daily Mail

By IAN GALLAGHER
Last updated at 11:56 PM on 7th May 2011

Two convicted paedophiles have been questioned by British police over the disappearance of Madeleine McCann.

Charles O'Neill, 48, and William Lauchlan, 34, were jailed last year over sex attacks on children and the murder of a mother who had threatened to expose them.

The Mail on Sunday has learned they were interviewed in prison by detectives after inquiries revealed they were touring Spain, and possibly Portugal, on false passports when Madeleine vanished in May 2007.

Jailed: Charles O'Neill, left, and William Lauchlan have now been quetioned over the disappearance of Madeleine McCann

It is the first time that it has become known publicly that British police have interviewed anyone in connection with the case. Both men are described as highly dangerous.

Police interest in O'Neill, in particular, was heightened because of his resemblance to a thin, spotty suspect seen hanging around the holiday complex in Praia da Luz on the Algarve shortly before three-year-old Madeleine vanished.

A senior officer involved in the investigation said: 'Lauchlan and O’Neill have been interviewed in prison but the whole Madeleine McCann inquiry is being kept extremely tight at the very highest level.

'Basically nobody outside Leicestershire Constabulary knows exactly what is going on with the McCann inquiry.'

Leicestershire Police said they could not comment because the inquiry is being led by the Policia Judiciaria in Lisbon.

The development came as, for the first time, Madeleine's mother Kate described in chilling detail the moment she discovered her daughter was missing from her bed at their holiday apartment.

Missing: Madeleine McCann disappeared on a family holiday to Portugal - and now two prisoners are being questioned with regards to her disappearance

Madeleine disappeared from her room at the Ocean Club resort in Praia da Luz on May 3, 2007. Mrs McCann and her husband Gerry, on holiday with seven friends, had been dining less than 100 yards away in a tapas restaurant on the Mark Warner complex.

The adults had taken it in turns to check on the sleeping children. In a book to be published this week, Mrs McCann, 43, relives the moment she returned to the apartment, where she had left Madeleine beside twins Amelie and Sean, then aged two.

She tells how she realised something was wrong when she noticed that the door to the children's bedroom was wide open – not as she and her husband had left it. She glanced at Madeleine's bed but couldn't make her out in the dark.

When she was sure Madeleine wasn't there, she went to check her own room. When she could not see her daughter there either, she panicked and ran back to the children's room.

'My heart lurched as I saw now that, behind them, the window was wide open and the shutters on the outside raised all the way up. Nausea, terror, disbelief, fear. Icy fear. Dear God, no! Please, no!'

Mrs McCann, a former GP, said she went automatically into what she calls a 'well-practised medical emergency mode', scouring the apartment to exclude all other possibilities, 'mentally ticking boxes I knew, deep down, were already ticked'.

She then ran back to her husband and their friends in the restaurant. 'As soon as our table was in sight I started screaming, "Madeleine's gone! Someone's taken her!"'

The group returned to the apartment to widen the search and raise the alarm.

Mrs McCann said: 'I vividly recall sobbing, "Not Madeleine, not Madeleine." I was trying so hard to suppress the negative voice in my head tormenting me with the words, "She's gone. She's gone."

'Even now, when the dark clouds close in on me, I find myself shaking my head manically and repeating over and over again, "Not Madeleine, not Madeleine. Please God, not my Madeleine."'

The book, Madeleine, took Mrs McCann nine months to complete. It is based on diaries she has written for her daughter to read if she is found. It will be published on May 12 – Madeleine's eighth birthday. The McCanns say all proceeds will go to the fund that was set up to cover the costs of the worldwide search for their child.

That search has now focused on Lauchlan and O'Neill, who are childhood friends originally from Largs, near Glasgow. They were jailed for a total of 56 years last June for a catalogue of abuse both in Britain and abroad.

Nightmare: Kate McCann, pictured with husband Gerry, has revealed her pain in a new book titled 'Madeleine'

A source said: 'It cannot be overestimated how violent these two are. They are known to have strong links to other paedophiles. Without doubt they are among the worst serial paedophiles in Britain.'

At the High Court in Glasgow last year, Lauchlan and O'Neill were convicted of murdering mother-of-three Allison McGarrigle at their Largs home in 1997 and dumping her body at sea after she threatened to expose their abuse.

Following their conviction, officers throughout Britain and Europe were alerted after it was revealed that the pair had left the country on fake passports in October 2006, weeks after being released from an earlier sentence for sickening child abuse crimes.

Masquerading as cleaners, the pair were given easy access to holiday villas and apartments by unsuspecting clients.

They were living in Vecindario, an industrial town in Gran Canaria, when seven-year-old schoolboy Yeremi Vargas vanished while playing near his home. The youngster is still missing but his mother remains convinced that the Scottish killers are responsible.

Detectives involved in both the Madeleine McCann and Yeremi Vargas inquiries have worked closely together.

Lauchlan and O'Neill are known to have toured extensively and some reports suggested they were in the Algarve at the time Madeleine disappeared. A spokesman for the McCann family said it was 'encouraging' that information was still being sought by police.

Many of O'Neill and Lauchlan's crimes are thought to have gone unreported because their terrified young victims were too scared to come forward.

Masquerading as cousins, the gay lovers were first jailed in 1998 at the High Court in Glasgow after admitting a five-year catalogue of abuse involving youngsters in Scotland.

During his sentence, O'Neill was said to have told fellow prisoners at Glasgow's Barlinnie jail that he had killed Rothesay mother-of-three Mrs McGarrigle, who had disappeared a year earlier, and thrown her body in the sea to stop her exposing his sex crimes.

Both men served four years before being released in 2002. Lauchlan was released on licence but broke his parole conditions and fled to Spain after being told he would be returned to prison.

O'Neill remained in Scotland but fled to join Lauchlan in Spain in 2003 after abusing a 14-year-old in Irvine, Ayrshire.

In 2004, the two men were arrested by Spanish police near Alicante on the Costa Blanca after abducting a 14-year-old boy to abuse during a camping trip. They were deported to Britain and while in prison for breaking their parole conditions, were charged in April 2005 with the murder of Mrs McGarrigle.

But prosecutors decided there was insufficient evidence and both men were released.

It was at this point, late in 2006, that Lauchlan and O'Neill evaded the British authorities and fled to Spain to prey on new victims.

After their true identities were exposed in the summer of 2007, they returned to Britain and a homeless hostel in Blackpool. Within weeks they were again grooming youngsters for sex.

Then an associate came forward with fresh information about the death of Mrs McGarrigle. Lauchlan and O'Neill were arrested, going on trial early in 2010.

They were convicted of grooming a six-year-old boy in Falkirk, an earlier sex attack on a 14-year-old in Benidorm and of the murder of Mrs McGarrigle.

O'Neill was sentenced to a minimum 30 years behind bars and Lauchlan to 26 years.

Kate McCann 'felt like committing suicide after Madeleine's death', 08 May 2011
Kate McCann 'felt like committing suicide after Madeleine's death' The Telegraph

The original article headline on this url:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/madeleinemccann/8500990/Kate-McCann-felt-like-committing-suicide-after-Madeleines-death.html

 
Kate McCann 'felt like committing suicide after Madeleine's death'


Kate McCann 'felt like committing suicide after Madeleine's disappearance' The Telegraph

Kate McCann felt like committing suicide in the weeks after her daughter Madelaine vanished from a holiday apartment in Portugal four years ago, she has disclosed.

Madeleine McCann
Madeleine McCann

By Nigel Bunyan
5:38PM BST 08 May 2011

The little girl was three years old when she was abducted, having been left alone with her brother and sister, Sean and Amelie, while their parents dined with friends nearby.

Her mother realised she had been taken as she made the latest of a series of half-hourly checks. The bedroom window was open, with the shutter having been raised from the outside.

In a new book to mark the fourth anniversary of her daughter's disappearance, Mrs McCann recalls running outside, screaming: "Madeleine's gone! Someone's taken her!"

Later, she sank into fits and anguish and depression that eventually threatened to destroy her relationship with her husband, Gerry.

She writes: "I had an overwhelming urge to swim out across the ocean, as hard and as fast as I could; to swim and swim and swim until I was so far out and so exhausted I could just allow the water to pull me under and relieve me of this torment.

"I wasn't keeping that desire to myself, either. I was shouting it out to anyone who happened to be in the room. Both this urge and the expression of it were, I suppose, an outlet for the crucifying anguish.

"Somehow, inflicting physical pain on myself seemed to be the only possible way of escaping my internal pain. The other truly awful manifestation of what I was feeling was a macabre slide show of vivid pictures in my brain that taunted me relentlessly.

"I was crying out that I could see Madeleine lying, cold and mottled, on a big grey stone slab. Looking back, seeing me like this must have been terrible for my friends and relatives, particularly my parents, but I couldn't help myself."

Her inner torment contrasts with the widespread public perception, and particularly on internet forums, that at the time she seemed remarkably composed.

The reality, she insists, was that she had gone into shock.

"It's quite frightening when I see myself in those early days," she says. "To me I look incredibly fragile and confused and lost."

The failure by Portuguese police to trace either Madeleine or her abductor condemned the McCanns to a life of unrelenting torment. In Kate McCann’s case, this was punctuated by flashes of how she imagined Madeleine might be suffering.

"It was a long time before I was able to allow myself to take real pleasure in anything. I couldn't watch television, read a book, listen to music ... How could I possibly take pleasure in anything without my daughter?"

The new book has been written to raise money for the ongoing Find Madeleine campaign. Madeleine’s siblings are now aged six.

Kate McCann: I slept with the children on night before Madeleine vanished after having row with Gerry, 08 May 2011
Kate McCann: I slept with the children on night before Madeleine vanished after having row with Gerry Daily Mail

By DAILY MAIL REPORTER
Last updated at 6:41 PM on 8th May 2011

  • She reveals how she slept in a separate room after she felt hurt and upset by what husband Gerry said
  • The hours leading up to moment Madeleine was discovered missing are revealed
  • Why the McCanns left their three children alone in the holiday apartment
  • Determined: Kate McCann with her daughter Amelie at the Church of the Sacred Heart

    Angry Kate McCann slept alone the night before Madeleine disappeared after Gerry offended her at dinner, she revealed today.

    Upset by his 'abrupt' behaviour, she took a spare bed in the children's room at the family's holiday apartment in Portugal.

    In another extract of her upcoming book, Mrs McCann reveals she is haunted by an awful missed chance when she believes Madeleine tried to alert her that somebody had attempted to break into the bedroom where she slept with her siblings Sean and Amelie.

    With hindsight, it could have been her 'one chance to prevent what was about to happen', said Mrs McCann, adding: 'And I blew it.'

    Madeleine disappeared aged three from her bed in the family's apartment in Praia da Luz, the Algarve, on the evening of May 3, 2007, while her parents were eating at a nearby Tapas restaurant - as they did every night of the holiday.

    The possible missed chance came at breakfast on the day Madeleine vanished, when the little girl disconcerted her mother by asking: 'Why didn't you come when Sean and I cried last night?' Mrs McCann, 43, says: 'Not for a moment did we think there might be some sinister explanation. But it is [now] my belief there was somebody either in or  trying to get into the children's bedroom that night, and that is what disturbed them.

    'So haunted have I been ever since by Madeleine's words that I've continued to blame myself for not sitting down and making completely certain there was no more information I could draw out of her.' Her heart-wrenching book, called Madeleine, is being published this Thursday - the day of Madeleine's eighth birthday.

    Mrs McCann's book will be on sale on May 12 - her missing daughter Madeleine's eighth birthday. She is pictured here with her youngest daughter Amelie going to the Church of the Sacred Heart in their hometown

    In one extract, Mrs McCann describes her horror at discovering a predatory paedophile could easily have been tipped off that Madeleine was vulnerable, by a staff note on display at reception which revealed the McCanns 'were leaving our young children alone...and checking on them intermittently'. The note was written by a receptionist to staff explaining why they wanted to reserve tables every night close to their apartment.

    Although she is 'loath' to make it public by writing it in the book, Mrs McCann describes how she and Gerry had a row on the final night before their daughter was lost.

    As the couple and their holiday friends were enjoying a drink at the bar, at 11.50pm, Mr McCann 'abruptly announced' that he was tired and off to bed.

    His wife was 'slightly hurt' he had gone without her, and writes: 'He's not a touchy-feely guy. Like many men, he assumes I take his feelings as read and doesn't see any need to express them with soft-soaping, flowers or cards.

    'I am not sure why I was miffed by his lack of social graces that particular evening. Perhaps because the other guys in the group were all attentive "new men", compared with Gerry at least, and I was a bit embarrassed.' When she followed him a few minutes later, she found him already asleep and snoring and so, 'still feeling a bit offended', she chose a bed in the children's room because 'my peaceful slumbering babies were more attractive room-mates'.

    Former GP Mrs McCann, whose 384-page book is being serialised in The Sunday Times and The Sun newspapers, says she still feels sad at the memory - though stresses the 'isolated' incident was not reflective of their relationship as a couple.

    In an interview with The Sunday Times, Mrs McCann says her hospital consultant husband had an ability to 'switch off' from the grief, and was 'functioning' again much sooner than she was. She admitted: 'Sometimes I found it almost offensive, as if somehow he wasn't grieving enough.'

    Recalling a television appeal to the abductor they recorded together, Mr McCann added: 'That day I remember we were concerned we weren't crying. The thing is, we're not actors. We were trying to focus on getting our message out.' The McCanns, of Rothley, Leicestershire, are hoping the sale of the book will raise £1million to fund the continued search for their missing daughter.

    Yesterday Mrs McCann and her youngest daughter Amelie attended church in the village, where prayers were said for Madeleine.

    Mrs McCann dispels suggestions she and Gerry were drunk on the fateful night, saying their alcohol consumption was 'hardly excessive', and that although their group of nine friends was nosier than other tables, they were not 'partying wildly'.

    In fact, she said they were so tired they nearly had dinner inside their own apartment on the night Madeleine vanished - but then decided that would be anti-social.

    MASS PRAYER

    With the bumbling Portuguese police getting nowhere, terror-struck Kate McCann turned to all she had left: divine intervention.

    Five hours after Madeleine went missing, she tried to mobilise a mass prayer at 3am.

    First she telephoned her friend Father Paul Seddon, the priest who had married her and Gerry in 1998, and then her best friend Michelle back in the UK.

    'I needed her to get her large Catholic family praying too,' said Mrs McCann, who had already been on her knees in her bedroom, 'begging God and Our Lady to protect Madeleine and help us find her'.

    Unsurprisingly, her friend Michelle was asleep and her partner Jon, who answered the phone, was at first reluctant to wake her.

    Mrs McCann said: 'Poor Jon - I don't think he could quite get his brain in gear for a moment or two. "No one's listening" I wept. "Nothing's happening".' After arranging the mass prayer, Mrs McCann could not sleep, but her husband told her: 'Kate, we need to rest.'

    WHY THEY HAD NO BABYSITTER

    Leaving Madeleine with a babysitter who none of them knew would have been 'unwise', Kate McCann declares in her book.

    Explaining why they did not make use of the babysitting service offered by the Ocean Club, she said the couple never even thought about it.

    She said: 'I could argue that leaving my children alone with someone neither we nor they knew would have been unwise, and it's certainly not something we'd do at home, but we didn't even consider it.

    'We felt so secure we simply didn't think it was necessary.' With the infamous tapas restaurant 'so near', the McCanns and their friends decided to do their own child-checking service, said Mrs McCann, adding: 'It goes without saying that we now bitterly regret it.'

    However British police later told the couple their holiday apartment, being a corner flat on the ground floor, next to two roads and with secluded entrances, made it a perfect target for criminals.

    IVF Battle: 'The first time we saw our little Madeleine'

    Childless Kate and Gerry McCann endured two traumatic bouts of IVF treatment before conceiving Madeleine.

    As a young doctor, Mrs McCann had seen countless desperate women put themselves through the procedure - and had declared then she would never put herself through the pain if she ever found she could not have children naturally.

    But after two years of failing to get pregnant, she said she 'didn't think twice' about going down the IVF route, and her first attempt seemed to go well. She felt so confident and excited, going to the hospital two weeks after the embryos were implanted, that when the pregnancy test was negative, 'I simply couldn't believe it,' she recalls. Two months later, the couple had a further setback, when the hospital informed them two more healthy embryos they had had frozen during the first IVF attempt had not survived being defrosted. 'Another pallet of bricks dropped on my chest,' said Mrs McCann of the news.

    The couple were keen to start trying again immediately, but a practical problem stood in their way: at the point Gerry would need to provide his sperm, he was due to give a presentation at a cardiac conference in Berlin, an important stepping stone in his career.

    Mrs McCann recalled: 'My heart sank. It would mean many more months of waiting, but how could he miss this conference? That evening, as I was cooking dinner, Gerry gave me a hug and told me he'd decided not to go to Berlin. The IVF was more important.'

    This time, the procedure was successful, and at six weeks' pregnant, Mrs McCann had a scan and saw a beating heart.

    'And that was the first time we saw our little Madeleine,' she says. 'Even then she was beautiful.'

    Kate McCann: 'She was beautiful even in her first scan', 09 May 2011
    Kate McCann: 'She was beautiful even in her first scan' Daily Express

    Kate McCann finally conceived Madeleine after undergoing extensive IVF treatment

    By David Pilditch
    Monday May 9,2011

    KATE McCann told yesterday of her joy at giving birth to Madeleine.

    Kate McCann finally conceived after undergoing extensive IVF treatment.

    Kate, 43, met husband Gerry when they were young doctors working in different departments of Glasgow's Western Infirmary before marrying in December 1998. She revealed how the couple were keen to start a family straight away.

    They began fertility treatment after Kate was diagnosed with endometriosis – a condition which affects two million women in Britain.

    She underwent a year of treatment before the couple decided their only option was "assisted conception". In her new book Madeleine, Kate wrote: "As a senior house officer in gynaecology, I'd seen the sadness and desperation etched on the faces of the women coming up to the ward to undergo fertility treatment."

    She had told herself that in their position she would "accept what was meant to be" rather than put herself through the "traumatic” process. But Kate wrote: "When it came to it, I didn't think twice."

    She said the couple's first attempt went smoothly. Kate said she produced plenty of eggs and, once fertilised, an "excellent percentage" resulted in embryos. Kate told how she was confident the procedure would work – but was heartbroken when she discovered it had not.

    She wrote: "I cannot understand how I allowed myself to be so certain, especially as I knew, not only as a would-be mother but also as a doctor, how emotionally devastating the peaks and troughs associated with IVF can be. I cried and cried and cried."

    The couple made a second attempt two months later using two embryos they had frozen – only to discover they also had failed to survive.

    Kate faced the daunting prospect of starting from scratch – and insisted on pressing ahead immediately. She told how the process went "less smoothly" and the couple felt "very despondent”.

    Two weeks later they used a home pregnancy testing kit the night before Kate's crucial hospital appointment.

    She told how a "faint blue line" appeared on the indicator signalling a positive test.

    But, she wrote: "I just didn't dare believe it."

    Kate told how she wept tears of joy when the pregnancy was officially confirmed the next day.

    It was not until Kate's six-week ultrasound scan that she finally "allowed myself to believe it".

    Of seeing a tiny heart beating she wrote: "That was the first time we saw our little Madeleine.

    "Even then she was beautiful."

    ------------------------

    Torment of Madeleine drove me to the brink of suicide, admits Kate McCann Daily Express

    Kate McCann has described the crucifying anguish she has endured since Madeleine vanished

    By David Pilditch
    Monday May 9,2011

    KATE McCann told yesterday how the torment of her daughter's disappearance drove her to the brink of suicide.

    Kate McCann revealed for the first time the "crucifying anguish" she has endured since Madeleine vanished four years ago.

    And the 43-year-old GP explained how her despair had threatened to destroy her marriage.

    Kate, who is haunted by guilt and visions of her daughter being abused by a pervert, spoke of her fears that husband Gerry had stopped loving her.

    And she revealed how, in anger, she slept in another bedroom the night before Madeleine went missing because Gerry had "abruptly" left dinner without her.

    The darkest days for Kate came immediately after Madeleine, a few days before her fourth birthday, went missing from the family's holiday apartment in Praia da Luz, Portugal, on May 3, 2007.

    In a deeply personal account, Kate wrote: "I had an overwhelming urge to swim out across the ocean, as hard and as fast as I could; to swim and swim and swim until I was so far out and so exhausted I could just allow the water to pull me under and relieve me of this torment.

    "I wasn't keeping that desire to myself, either. I was shouting it out to anyone who happened to be in the room.

    "Somehow, inflicting physical pain on myself seemed to be the only possible way of escaping my internal pain.

    "The other truly awful manifestation of what I was feeling was a macabre slide show of vivid pictures in my brain that taunted me relentlessly. I was crying out that I could see Madeleine lying, cold and mottled, on a big grey stone slab."

    Kate told how she was swamped with dark thoughts, breaking down in front of relatives who had flown to the Algarve to comfort her.

    At the time, critics accused Kate of being "cold and emotionless".

    Kate blamed shock for her "detached appearance" and says the criticisms left her with a legacy of "crippling self-consciousness".

    She could not face going to the supermarket for a year after Madeleine disappeared.

    Kate, who has six-year-old twins Sean and Amelie, wrote: "Wednesday, May 2 was our last completely happy day. Our last, to date, as a family of five."

    The couple, from Rothley, Leicestershire, enjoyed their first "fun" night out shortly before Christmas last year. It came at a local golf society dinner where the couple felt "safe" among friends.

    Heart consultant Gerry, 42, said: "We weren't sitting together and I was watching Kate and realised I hadn't seen her smile as much in the past three-and-a-half years. That made me really happy."

    Kate told how constant thoughts of Madeleine's suffering and fear meant she was unable to enjoy watching television, read a book or listen to music.

    She wrote: "How could I possibly take pleasure in anything without my daughter."

    Her obsessive thoughts threatened to wreck her marriage – as she regarded Gerry's ability to switch off as "callous".

    Gerry, in turn, became "exasperated" by his wife's unending sorrow, feeling he had lost her forever.

    Kate wrote: "Gerry was functioning much sooner than I was. I sometimes found it almost offensive as if somehow he wasn't grieving enough. He would suggest doing something nice – and I would cry."

    She told about the "isolated" incident on their final night together. She described how she felt "offended" when Gerry got up from dinner, announced he was tired and marched off to bed.

    She was "miffed by his lack of social graces" and decided to sleep in the spare room with Madeleine and the twins.

    The revelations come in Kate's 384-page book, entitled Madeleine.

    Kate is hoping the memoir will reignite the search for her daughter. The book goes on sale on Thursday – Madeleine's eighth birthday – and orders have already placed it at the top of online retailer Amazon's chart.

    Yesterday Kate, a devout Roman Catholic, attended a church service with Amelie.

    One local said: "Prayers were said for Madeleine and other missing children."

    Kate McCann fears restaurant reservation book tipped off Madeleine McCann's abductor, 09 May 2011
    Kate McCann fears restaurant reservation book tipped off Madeleine McCann's abductor Daily Mirror

    By Martin Fricker
    9/05/2011

    MADELEINE McCann may have been snatched after perverts spotted in a tapas reservation book she had been left alone at her holiday flat, mum Kate fears.

    The distraught 43-year-old told how she had ordered a table close to the ­apartment so she and husband Gerry could pop over to check on their daughter and twins Sean and Amelie as they slept.

    But the book was left open and in full view of other diners at the Ocean Club resort restaurant.

    Kate said: "It was by ­definition accessible to staff and, albeit unintentionally, probably to guests and visitors, too.

    "To my horror, I saw that, no doubt in all innocence, the receptionist had added we wanted to eat close to our flats as we were leaving our young children alone there, checking on them intermittently."

    Kate revealed the blunder in her new book Madeleine. Her three-year-old daughter was kidnapped while she and Gerry, 43, ate with friends.

    The GP discovered the security lapse when she reviewed Portuguese police files after the investigation was axed.

    Kate also told in her book how she felt suicidal in the days following Madeleine's disappearance from Praia da Luz in May 2007. And she said Gerry appeared "callous" as he was able to hide his emotions while she was a wreck.

    Tortured by visions of her innocent daughter being abused by vile ­paedophiles, Kate revealed she had an ­"overwhelming urge to swim out across the ocean, as hard and as fast as I could" and drown.

    She added: "To swim and swim and swim until I was so far out and so exhausted I could just allow the water to pull me under and relieve me of this torment.

    "And I wasn't keeping that desire to myself, either. I was shouting it out to anyone who happened to be in the room.

    "Looking back, seeing me like this must have been terrible for my friends and relatives, particularly my parents, but I couldn’t help myself."

    Of her husband's ability to switch off despite their harrowing ordeal, she wrote: "Gerry was functioning much sooner than I was. I sometimes found it almost ­offensive; as if somehow he wasn’t grieving enough.

    "He would suggest doing something nice, and I would cry. It was a long time before I was able to allow myself to take pleasure in anything.

    "How could I possibly without my daughter?"

    Kate also revealed she and Gerry slept in separate beds the night before their daughter vanished. She was angry after he left the dinner table abruptly.

    And when she returned to their ­apartment, he was snoring. Kate added: "Still feeling a bit offended, I decided to sleep with the children.

    "This was highly unusual, un­precedented, even. I wasn't the type to flounce off to the spare room and never would have done so at home.

    "Though it can have had no bearing on ­subsequent events, the thought of Gerry and me sleeping alone on this of all nights still makes me feel sad."

    In the book, Kate also describes the terrible moment when the couple's lawyer in Portugal, Carlos Pinto de Abreu, revealed police were offering her a plea bargain in exchange for a confession.

    The deal outlined by cops was that if Kate admitted Madeleine died in an accident in the holiday apartment she would serve only two years in jail.

    She says: "I wasn't sure I could possibly have heard him correctly. My incredulity turned to rage. How dare they suggest I lie? How dare they expect me to live with such a charge against my name?"

    The despairing couple had been made "arguidos" – official suspects – by the Portugese police.

    Under the guise of forensics, police had taken away their clothes, their twins' toys, Madeleine’s favourite "Cuddle Cat", a bible and Kate's diaries – leaving them with the clothes on their backs.

    The strain showed yesterday as Kate attended church with six-year-old Amelie near their home in Rothley, Leics.

    Touchingly, the youngster was clutching Madeleine's Cuddle Cat toy. Her brother Sean stayed in the house with heart specialist Gerry.

    Kate McCann smashed bed in frustration after being accused of murdering Madeleine, 09 May 2011
    Kate McCann smashed bed in frustration after being accused of murdering Madeleine The Telegraph

    Kate McCann has laid bare her shock and outrage after Portuguese police officials made her and husband Gerry suspects in the abduction of her daughter Madeleine.

    Kate McCann's book, entitled Madeline, will be published on May 12
    Kate McCann's book, entitled Madeline, will be published on May 12

    2:35AM BST 09 May 2011

    The former doctor, 43, also reveals how she smashed a bed in frustration over their handling of the investigation and how detectives attempted to bully her into a murder confession.

    In a personal account of the three-year-old's 2007 disappearance, Mrs McCann said she and her husband were appalled by the treatment they received from the Policia Judiciaria, especially in the early stages of the hunt.

    Describing one police interrogation in an extract from the book Madeleine, released on Thursday, she said: "I felt I was being bullied, and I suppose I was.

    "I assumed the tactics were deliberate - knock her off balance by telling her that her daughter is dead and get her to confess.

    "On and on it went. They tried to convince me I'd had a blackout - 'a loss of memory episode', I think they called it.

    "My denials, answers and pleas fell on deaf ears. This was their theory and they wanted to shoe horn me into it, end of story."

    In another stinging criticism of the Portuguese authorities in the immediate aftermath of the abduction, she added: "I was appalled by the treatment we received. Officers walked past us as if we weren't there. Nobody asked how we were doing, whether we were okay.

    "Our child had been stolen and I felt as if I didn't exist."'

    Mrs McCann also describes how she and her husband felt "completely alone" while searching for their daughter the day after her disappearance.

    In another extract, serialised by The Sun today, she said: "Nobody else, it seemed, was looking for Madeleine.

    "The frustration and anger were reaching boiling point. I felt like a caged, demented animal. This was torture of the cruellest kind, Finally, I erupted. I began to scream, swear and lash out.

    "I kicked an extra bed that had been brought into the apartment and smashed the end right off."'

    Confess and get 'only two years', police urged Kate McCann: But she kept strong with four-letter chant, 09 May 2011
    Confess and get 'only two years', police urged Kate McCann: But she kept strong with four-letter chant Daily Mail

    By SAM GREENHILL
    Last updated at 11:23 PM on 9th May 2011

    Police offered her a 'lenient' jail term if she confessed to disposing of Madeleine
    • Officers 'evidence' of McCanns' guilt included Kate's visit to a priest
    • During first few hours of Madeleine's disappearance police smoked and joked

    Kate McCann was speechless with fury when police offered her a 'lenient' jail term if she confessed to disposing of Madeleine's body.

    Her Portuguese lawyer even tried to sweeten the pill by suggesting that while she stayed in jail, her husband Gerry could go back to work.

    The extraordinary day the couple became suspects was their most despairing of all, and Mrs McCann says in her forthcoming book, serialised in The Sun, that even her normally-solid husband was distraught.

    She said: 'He was on his knees, sobbing, his head hung low. "We're finished. Our life is over", he kept saying.'

    Mrs McCann says their predicament was all the worse because it meant police had long since given up looking for their missing daughter.

    The plea-bargain offer was put to the McCanns by their lawyer, Carlos Pinto de Abreu. He told them Mrs McCann could get 'only two years' if she admitted Madeleine had died in an accident in the apartment, and confessed to hiding and later disposing of her body.

    Mrs McCann, 43, writes: 'Pardon? I wasn't sure I could possibly have heard him correctly. Did they really expect me to confess to a crime they had made up, to falsely claim to the whole world that my daughter was dead, when the result would be that the whole world stopped looking for her?'

    She says her 'ferocious maternal instinct' to protect her child was more powerful than her own fear.

    'I felt strangely invincible,' she says. 'The PJ [Policia Judiciaria] can beat me up and throw me in a prison cell, but I will not lie ... I will do everything I can to help Madeleine.'

    Earlier, in his own 'tearful' police interview, Mr McCann had pleaded with officers: 'Do you have any evidence that Madeleine is dead? We're her parents. You have to tell us.'

    Desperate for any information the police had, he asked if the case was now a murder inquiry. 'The answer was indirect,' writes Mrs McCann, who says they replied: 'You can probably guess that from our lack of response.'

    Madeleine disappeared aged three from the McCanns' holiday apartment in Praia da Luz, on the Algarve, on the night of May 3, 2007.

    The police theory was that she had died in an accident, and the McCanns had hidden her body and later buried it elsewhere. One of their pieces of 'evidence' was that devout Roman Catholic Mrs McCann had asked to see a priest on the night Madeleine vanished.

    Apparently people in Portugal 'only called for a priest when they wanted their sins to be forgiven', she says.

    The police also had a witness who claimed to have seen Mr and Mrs McCann carrying a big black bag and acting suspiciously.

    Mrs McCann says their lawyer warned them: 'If you were Portuguese, this would be enough to put you in prison.'

    Eleven months later, when the McCanns were allowed access to the police files, they discovered the DNA and sniffer dog evidence the Portuguese police were relying on – obtained with help from the UK – was weak.

    Mrs McCann says: 'The full report from the UK Forensic Science Service, sent to them before they interrogated us, had concluded that the DNA results were "too complex for meaningful interpretation".'

    She says: 'There was no evidence whatsoever that Madeleine was dead. The search had to go on.'

    The McCanns said they were treated appallingly even before they were made 'arguidos' – suspects – in September 2007.

    On May 4, with Madeleine missing for just a few terrifying hours, they sat in a police station while officers in T-shirts and jeans smoked and exchanged banter.

    Mrs McCann says: 'I felt as if I didn't exist.' It seemed to her that no one was bothering to look for her 'baby'.

    In the extracts printed in The Sun, she recounts how one bungling police officer supposedly looking for Madeleine did not even recognise the three-year-old in a photocopied picture.

    Twenty-four hours after their daughter went missing, Mrs McCann says, her frustration and anger were reaching boiling point. 'I felt like a caged, demented animal,' she says.

    'This was torture of the cruellest kind. Finally, I erupted. I began to scream, swear and lash out.

    'I kicked an extra bed that had been brought into the apartment and smashed the end right off it. Prostrate on the floor, sobbing like a baby, I felt utterly defeated and broken.'

    The former GP from Rothley, Leicestershire, is hoping her 384-page book will reinvigorate the search for Madeleine, and raise £1million to fund the continued hunt.

    Detectives led astray by sniffer dogs

    Portuguese police case against the McCanns relied on dubious evidence from two British sniffer dogs.

    PC Martin Grime took his highly-trained spaniels Keela and Eddie to the apartment Madeleine was taken from.

    In her book, serialised in The Sun, Mrs McCann recalls the 100th day of the hunt for Madeleine when a police officer told her the two dogs had indicated blood and human remains were in the apartment.

    'Police appeared to be telling us, on the say-so of a dog, that someone had definitely died in apartment 5a and it must have been Madeleine.'

    Later, she says, the Portuguese officer boasted about the success rate of the dogs. This helped persuade the authorities to name the McCanns as 'arguidos' or official suspects.

    However, after forensic tests were carried out it became clear that no scientific evidence could be found to back up the reaction of the sniffer dogs.

    Mr Grime is now a director of a forensic science company, GSS International, and is employed as a sniffer dog expert. He owns both his former police dogs and they continue to work with him.

    Yesterday he was in the U.S. on business and a spokesman for the Hampshire-based company said he had been asked by police in the UK not to comment on the McCann case.

    Mr Grime and his dog Eddie were involved in the search for remains at the Haut de la Garenne children's home in Jersey.

    The massive investigation in 2008 ended with the conclusion that nothing suspicious was found at the scene and there was no evidence of murder.

    CHANT KEPT HER STRONG

    Boiling with rage as a policeman accused her of killing her daughter, Kate McCann kept control of her temper by whispering '****ing tosser' at him.

    She was in the police interview room under intense pressure to confess, as Portuguese detectives confronted her with their so-called evidence that Madeleine had died in the holiday apartment.

    Mrs McCann swore under her breath in a quiet chant to keep herself strong, she reveals in extracts of her book being serialised in The Sun.

    Mrs McCann said detective Ricardo Paiva was interrogating her in the Portimao police station on Friday, September 7 – having previously been the McCanns' police liaison officer.

    'This was the man who invited us to his home for dinner,' she says. 'Our children played with his son.'

    Now he was suggesting that she had 'sedated' the twins and was unable to cope with three children.

    'I knew exactly where this line of questioning was going and I refused to give in to it,' she says. 'I remember feeling disdain for Ricardo. What was he doing? Just following orders?

    'Under my breath I found myself whispering, "****ing tosser, ****ing tosser". This quiet chant somehow kept me strong, kept me in control.'

    'I looked in bin and thought: Please God, don't let Madeleine be in here', 10 May 2011
    'I looked in bin and thought: Please God, don't let Madeleine be in here' The Scotsman

    By Angus Howarth
    Published Date: 10 May 2011

    THE mother of Madeleine McCann has relived the frantic search that followed her daughter's disappearance on holiday in Portugal's Algarve.

    Kate McCann has written a book about the agony she and husband Gerry faced, their frustration with police and their fears for their young child.

    Madeleine was almost four when she went missing from the couple's holiday apartment while they were eating at a nearby tapas restaurant with friends.

    The following day, as soon as it was light, they began their long and desperate search of the surrounding area.

    Mrs McCann wrote: "We jumped over walls and raked through undergrowth. We looked in ditches and holes.

    "I remember opening up a big dumpster and saying to myself 'Please God, don't let her be in here'. The most striking and horrible thing was that we were completely alone. Nobody else, it seemed, was out looking for Madeleine."

    She said that when she and her husband returned to the apartment the previous evening a window had been opened from the outside and blinds were fluttering in the wind.

    The couple fear Madeleine was abducted and have admitted that "when she was first stolen, paedophiles were all we could think about and it ate away at us".

    Mrs McCann, 43, still believes a man seen by one of their friends earlier that evening, who was holding a child, is the person who snatched Madeleine.

    "That morning I learned of the man our friend Jane had seen in the street," she wrote. "Although Gerry and our friends had been trying to protect me from further distress by not telling me about this sooner, when they did I was strangely relieved.

    "He was carrying a sleeping child horizontally across his arms, the child's legs dangling. Although Jane had never seen or known about Madeleine's Eeyore pyjamas, her description of this child's night clothes matched Madeleine's almost exactly.

    "There was little doubt in my mind then, nor is there now, that what Jane saw was Madeleine's abductor taking her away."

    When she was first interviewed by police she was hopeful that detectives would find Madeleine, but that belief soon turned to despair at how the investigation progressed.

    She wrote: "As João Carlos, a Portuguese detective, led me up the stairs, I inquired whether he had any children. He told me he hadn't. 'But don't worry. We will find your daughter'. It was exactly what I was yearning to hear."

    Just five hours later, when their police driver received a message on his radio and suddenly performed a U-turn before heading back to Portimão at 120mph, she thought the police had found Madeleine.

    "I cannot overstate how terrifying this was," Mrs McCann wrote.

    "Had Madeleine been found? Was she alive? Was she dead? I was crying hysterically and praying for all I was worth.

    "Back in the police station someone showed us a photograph of a blonde child with a woman in a petrol station shop. We were asked whether the little girl was Madeleine. She wasn't. We were sent on our way, devastated."

    As the search went on she tired of "hollow" police assurances that "everything that can be done is being done" and grew increasingly angry.

    "The frustration and anger were reaching boiling point," she wrote.

    "I felt like a caged, demented animal. This was torture of the cruellest kind. Finally, I erupted. I began to scream, swear and lash out. I kicked an extra bed that had been brought into the apartment and smashed the end right off it.

    "Then came the inevitable tears. Prostrate on the floor, sobbing like a baby, I felt utterly defeated and broken. I had not slept in 42 hours. I was exhausted and my whole body was racked with pain."

    Kate McCann describes agony in new book, 10 May 2011
    Kate McCann describes agony in new book Daily Mirror

    by Damien Fletcher
    10/05/2011

    HEARTBROKEN Kate McCann has revealed that after Madeleine vanished "my sexual desire plummeted to zero".

    She said she and husband Gerry, 42, could not concentrate on anything but their missing three-year-old.

    Kate, 43, admits she had an "inability to permit myself any pleasure, whether reading a book or making love with my husband"

    She added she had "the revulsion stirred up by my fear that Madeleine had suffered the worst fate we could imagine – falling into the hands of a paedophile".

    In her book, Madeleine, Kate tells of the pain of flying home without her and of the terrible guilt that put their marriage under huge strain.

    And even after receiving a blessing from the Pope, Kate says she doubted her faith.

    "There've been many times I've felt God deserted me and let Madeleine down," she said. "I occasionally doubted His existence altogether."

    Maddie nightmare killed off our love life, says Kate McCann as she reveals guilt stopped her taking any pleasure in life, 10 May 2011
    Maddie nightmare killed off our love life, says Kate McCann as she reveals guilt stopped her taking any pleasure in life Daily Mail

    By SAM GREENHILL
    Last updated at 10:16 PM on 10th May 2011

  • Mrs McCann says her husband never made her feel guilty
  • Parents called in social services themselves to 'pre-empt' any interest

  • Kate McCann has told how she battled to save her marriage in the wake of the disappearance of her daughter.Kate McCann has told how she battled to save her marriage in the wake of the disappearance of her daughter.

    In her book she says she felt too guilty to take any pleasure in life, including making love to her husband Gerry.

    She was also plagued by fears that a paedophile may have taken Madeleine. 'Tortured as I was by these images, it's not surprising that even the thought of sex repulsed me,' says Mrs McCann in the serialisation of her book in The Sun.

    Battle: Kate McCann has told of how she struggled to save her marriage to Gerry in the wake of the disappearance of their daughter Madeleine in 2007

    Battle: Kate McCann has told of how she struggled to save her marriage to Gerry in the wake of the disappearance of their daughter Madeleine in 2007

    ----------------------

    'I worried about Gerry and me. I worried that if I didn’t get our sex life on track our whole relationship would break down.'

    In her account, Mrs McCann says her husband was supportive throughout her worst years, never making her feel guilty. She said he would put his arm around her to reassure her and would tell her he loved her.

    Still missing: Madeleine was taken from an apartment in Praia da Luz, Portugal in May 2007. It is her eighth birthday today

    Her approach to getting her marriage back on track – which 'seems to have worked' – was to concentrate on what her husband meant to her and their love for each other, and tell herself the 'evil person' who took Madeleine must not be allowed to destroy anything else in her life.

    For years, Mrs McCann says she was 'weighed down by guilt', and could not even bear to sit down unless it was for a purpose such as eating or using the computer.

    After four months of searching for Madeleine in Portugal, the couple were forced to make the unbearable journey home without her, breaking down in tears when they landed back in Britain.

    Mrs McCann said her 42-year-old husband, who was carrying their two-year-old son Sean against his chest as they descended the aircraft steps, was being 'so strong but I knew he was dying inside'.

    Back at their house in Rothley, Leicestershire, later that day, she returned to Madeleine's bedroom for the first time – and imagined her daughter was still there.

    She writes that she stood at the open door and stared inside and could almost see Madeleine lying on her side, her head resting gently on the pillow with her blonde hair spread out behind.

    When they returned from Portugal, the McCanns had been declared arguidos – suspects – in Madeleine's disappearance, and former GP Mrs McCann says she and her hospital consultant husband recognised there would be pressure on the authorities to assess the welfare of their twins, Sean and Amelie.

    Distraught: Kate McCann has told of the couples return home to Leicestershire and how she imagined seeing her daughter in her bedroom

    Distraught: Kate McCann has told of the couples return home to Leicestershire and how she imagined seeing her daughter in her bedroom

    -----------------------

    They called in social services themselves to 'pre-empt' any interest, and were 'resigned' to being interviewed at their home by social workers about their parenting skills.

    As they tried to get back into the routine of life in the UK, there were constant painful reminders of their previous happiness.

    Back at Sean and Amelie's nursery – which Madeleine also attended – Mrs McCann says she recalled how the twins would spy their older sister from the window and say, 'There's Magalin', in their toddler babble. Mrs McCann says: 'Their doting big sister would wave at them, bringing beaming smiles to their little faces. God, it hurt.'

    Madeleine disappeared aged three from the McCanns' holiday apartment in Praia da Luz on the Algarve on the night of May 3, 2007 while the McCanns were dining with friends.

    Her mother's book will be published tomorrow, on what would be her eighth birthday.

    DAUGHTER'S DISAPPEARANCE MADE KATE QUESTION HER FAITH

    Church pews have taken a 'thumping' from Kate McCann angry that God has not answered her prayers, she reveals.

    The devout Catholic said her daughter's disappearance made her question her faith.

    In her book, being serialised in The Sun, Mrs McCann says: 'There have been many times when I've felt God has deserted me or that He has let Madeleine down . . .

    'And yes, I've been angry with Him. I've shouted out loud and on occasion I've hit things. (I'm afraid even the church pews have had the odd thumping!).' She says she finds comfort in the thought that wherever Madeleine is, God is with her.

    Madeleine McCann: Kate McCann fears outfit may have led to kidnap, 11 May 2011
    Madeleine McCann: Kate McCann fears outfit may have led to kidnap The Telegraph

    The mother of Madeleine McCann fears that a particular outfit worn by her daughter while on holiday in Portugal may have made her a target for kidnappers.

    McCann family handout photo taken at 2.29pm on May 3 - the day Madeleine McCann (right) went missing
    McCann family handout photo taken at 2.29pm on May 3 - the day Madeleine McCann (right) went missing

    By Laura Roberts
    7:45AM BST 11 May 2011

    Kate McCann, whose account of the tragedy is being serialised by The Sun, said that she now wonders whether other people were admiring her daughter's peach top just as she was.

    She said: "I was following her with my eyes admiring her. I wonder now if someone else was doing the same."

    Madeleine, from Rothley, Leics was wearing a peach smocked top from Gap.

    Madeleine went missing aged three while on holiday with her family in Praia da Luz, Portugal in 2007. She vanished from her bedroom on May 3 where she was sleeping with her twin siblings Sean and Amelie, now aged six, while her parents had supper with friends at a nearby tapas restaurant.

    Mrs McCann, 43, also revealed that she "continued to blame" herself for not asking her daughter more questions the day before she went missing when she commented during breakfast: "why didn't you come when Sean and I cried last night?"

    Mrs McCann said: "It is my belief there was somebody either in, or trying to get in, the children's bedroom that night, sand that is what disturbed them."

    Mrs McCann's book, Madeleine, is published on Thursday.

    It is is expected to raise about £1million for the fund established four years ago to find Madeleine. The money will be used to pay for private detectives to keep hunting for another two years.

    Gerry McCann, 42, Madeleine's father, has said: "We are hopeful that this book may help the investigation to find Madeleine.

    "Our hope is that it may prompt those who have relevant information to come forward and share it with our team."

    On her eighth birthday, please help us find our darling Maddie, pleads Kate McCann, 11 May 2011
    On her eighth birthday, please help us find our darling Maddie, pleads Kate McCann Daily Mail

    By VANESSA ALLEN and SAM GREENHILL
    Last updated at 11:14 PM on 11th May 2011

    Kate McCann will today make a dramatic new appeal in the hunt for her daughter Madeleine on the missing girl's eighth birthday.

    Mrs McCann, 43, and her husband Gerry are to launch a new phase of their four-year search for their daughter, and are already receiving fresh information prompted by Mrs McCann's emotional account of the disappearance.

    Her book, Madeleine, goes on sale today and the McCanns hope it will raise £1million to provide continued funding for their private investigation.

    In an interview with Piers Morgan, the McCann's revealed they nearly holidayed at Center Parcs, before choosing the Algarve instead

    They fear that potentially vital information given to Portuguese and British police has been ignored, and will call for an independent review of the case. Madeleine disappeared from her bed on May 3, 2007, during a family holiday in the Algarve, and has not been seen since.

    In her new book, serialised in The Sun, Mrs McCann told of her fear that the 'lovely' sight of Madeleine in a new outfit may have tempted someone to kidnap her.

    She said the pink smock top and shorts were bought specially for the family holiday in Praia da Luz.

    Her final photo of her daughter shows her wearing the new outfit and sitting with Mr McCann, 42, and younger sister Amelie by the pool just hours before she disappeared.

    New outfit: Kate McCann writes that she admired Madeleine in her new pink outfit - but fears someone else did too

    In an extract from the book, Mrs McCann described Madeleine's Monsoon shorts and Gap smock, saying: 'A small extravagance, perhaps, but I'd pictured how lovely she would look in them and I was right.'

    She adds: 'I was following her with my eyes admiring her. I wonder now, the nausea rising in my throat, if someone else was doing the same.'  Mrs McCann told The Sun that she and Gerry remain convinced their daughter is still alive, and cannot give up just because she has been missing for four years.

    She said: 'Certainly in my heart I feel she is out there. We've never given up on finding her. What parent would give up on their child?'

    The McCanns insist there is no evidence to say Madeleine is dead, and so they have to assume she is not.

    They have embarked on a marathon round of TV appearances to rekindle worldwide interest, including an hour-long interview with Piers Morgan, televised in the U.S. last night.

    Mr and Mrs McCann cling to examples of children being returned home many years after going missing, such as American Jaycee Dugard, abducted at 11 in California and freed aged 18.

    The couple have also drawn inspiration from meeting another girl, Elizabeth Smart, who was snatched from her home in Salt Lake City, Utah, at the age of 14 and found after a year.

    Pre-order sales of Mrs McCann's book mean it has already topped the bestseller list on Amazon.co.uk.

    Distraught: Kate McCann has told of her fear that the sight of Madeleine in a new outfit may have tempted someone to kidnap her

    All profits will go to the Find Madeleine fund, which employs a team of private detectives to comb through clues, and funds a hotline to gather information.

    In her book, Mrs McCann also reveals that her family nearly chose to holiday at Center Parcs in the UK before making the fateful decision to switch to the Algarve instead.

    'It was the first in a series of apparently minor decisions I would give anything to change now,' she says.

    During the CNN interview, the McCanns were asked why they had not hired a nanny to look after their three children while they went out for dinner with friends.

    Mr McCann replied: 'It's not a question of money. Child abduction is so rare. It didn't enter our head.'

    "She must want a holiday home in the Algarve", 17 May 2011
    "She must want a holiday home in the Algarve" Destak

    McCanns in Praia da Luz

    By Patrícia Susano Ferreira
    17 May 2011
    Thanks to Ines for translation

    "I am not commenting on this book" and "I am not helping its promotion" were the first words from Gonçalo Amaral when questioned about the launch of the book written by Kate McCann. However, he guarantees that the words "of this lady are only lies", he laments the defamation that she has done to the Algarve, describing it as a "place where children are raped" as well as the "vulgar language" she uses.

    The former coordinator of the investigation into the disappearance of Madeleine dismissed even the hypothesis of reading the book – "I like to read interesting things" – but promises that he will take recourse to Justice if the contents cast doubt on his professionalism and ethics. Confronted by excerpts from the book – in which Kate guarantees not having seen Amaral during the five months that he led the case of the disappearance – the ex-coordinator states that he spoke to her since the "first day". The ex-coordinator added that Kate must be "planning to buy a holiday home in the Algarve" with the proceeds from the book ("after having paid for her house with the money from the alleged fund to search for Maddie") and guarantees that the cover of the book is a "plagiarism" of the cover of the Dutch edition of his own book "A Verdade da Mentira". When contacted by Destak, the PJ chose not to comment on the book and criticisms of Kate McCann about the investigation.

    Just a small detail..., 17 May 2011
    Just a small detail... Joana Morais blogspot

    Criminal justice jurisprudence

    By Astro
    17 May 2011

    "The incentive to accept this "offer" seemed to be that if we didn't agree to it, the authorities could or would go after us for murder, and if we were found guilty, we might both receive life sentences." - Kate McCann, in 'Madeleine'

    There is no such thing as a life sentence under Portuguese law.

    Madeleine McCann book was for twins' eyes only, 22 May 2011
    Madeleine McCann book was for twins' eyes only Sunday Express

    Madeleine has already become one of the fastest-selling non-fiction books ever

    By David Paul
    Sunday May 22,2011


    KATE McCann wanted Madeleine's younger siblings, twins Sean and Amelie, to be the only ones to read her heartbreaking book about her daughter's abduction.

    But a desperate cash shortage facing the fund set up to find Madeleine forced her to publish the intimate memoir to raise money, Kate's mother Susan Healy has revealed.

    The harrowing book, called simply Madeleine, also describes within its 384 pages the botched Portuguese police investigation and how Kate was vilified after being wrongly accused of killing her child.

    "If Kate and Gerry were going to have to keep up the search on their own they needed money for the fund," said Susan, of Allerton, Liverpool.

    "But Kate probably would have written this book for her children anyway, though not for publication.

    "It's a very intimate book and I know what my daughter is like, she is a very private person."

    Madeleine has already become one of the fastest-selling non-fiction books since records began, with 72,500 copies sold in its first week.

    It has ended the 32-week run at the top of the UK best-sellers list for chef Jamie Oliver's 30-Minute Meals.

    McCanns condemned by seeing a priest, 23 May 2011
    McCanns condemned by seeing a priest The Olive Press

    McCANN: Kate has welcomed a new investigation launched in the UK
    McCANN: Kate has welcomed a new investigation launched in the UK

    May 23, 2011

    KATE McCann's request to see a priest on the night of her daughter Madeleine's disappearance was used as evidence against her, it has been revealed.

    The devout Roman Catholic claims she came under suspicion because of the belief that people in Portugal 'only called for a priest when they wanted their sins to be forgiven.'

    The flimsy dossier against the McCann's also included British sniffer dog evidence indicating the presence of blood and human remains in the apartment, later dismissed following forensic tests.

    The revelation comes as British Prime Minister David Cameron ordered the reopening of files relating to the McCann case following a direct appeal from her parents.

    The Met Police have been ordered to conduct a full review of all evidence in a bid to shed new light on the case.

    Meanwhile, an image of the girl's abductor could finally be revealed thanks to high-tech profiling computers.

    A Met Police case review team will run descriptions of potential suspects through facial identification software in a bid to produce the most accurate new e-fit.

    Kate McCann's book raises £2m for Madeleine, 05 June 2011
    Kate McCann's book raises £2m for Madeleine Sunday Express

    Kate McCann's book has raised £2m for Madeleine

    By Sunday Express Reporter
    Sunday June 5,2011


    KATE McCANN'S book about the disappearance of her daughter has already raised £2million for the Madeleine fund.

    In three weeks, 165,000 copies of Madeleine have been sold in Britain, while the translated version is flying off the shelves in Portugal, where it hit number four in the top 10 last week.

    Claudia Nogueria, who speaks for the McCanns in Portugal, said: "We hope it will reach the number one position and that somebody living here with important information will come forward."

    The book has also shot to the top of the charts in Australia and will soon be launched in Holland and Spain.

    The 384-page hardback is Kate's account of the disappearance of her three-year-old daughter on a family holiday in 2007.

    With thanks to Nigel at McCann Files

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