Memories of a lost daughter
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Kate McCann speaking last Wednesday about how the abduction of Madeleine has affected her and her memories of her daughter.

IVF Treatment

"The one thing I have always been definite about is that I want a family. I wanted to be a mother. Then when we were trying for a baby and it wasn't happening, it was really hard. The longer it went on, the harder it was. I saw my friends having children and I was really delighted for them, but it made me feel sad too.

"We tried unsuccessfully for several years to conceive. There came a point when we admitted we needed help. I was so desperate to have a child I'd try anything. I know IVF isn't everyone's choice, but I wanted to try it.

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Madeleine, I’m sorry I left you alone

"By that stage I was happy to start the treatment because it was taking the pressure off us a bit.

"We had one unsuccessful attempt before Madeleine and that was very hard.

"But when I got pregnant with Madeleine it was just fantastic. It didn't seem true.

"I did a test at home so I could handle the result if it wasn't good. I was looking at it thinking 'I don't believe that.' Then I went to the hospital and they checked it. I was really excited.

"Once we were past 12 weeks we were telling everyone. I swam every day until the day she was born to keep us both healthy.

"It was a really uncomplicated pregnancy. I had no sickness, nothing. It was so easy.

"I didn't know I was having a girl until she was born.

Smiling, she said: "There she was, perfect. She was lovely. She had the most beautiful face. I'd thought I was going to have a boy, just based on instinct. That actually made it even more special that she was a girl. She took us by surprise."

Madeleine as a baby

"The first five or six months were really difficult. She had very bad colic and cried about 18 hours a day. She had to be picked up all the time. So I spent many a day dancing round the living room holding Madeleine. I remember trying to butter my toast with one hand and holding her in the other.

"We would watch the clock and Gerry would come home and there would be three of us. Sometimes she just looked so sad with colic and the three of us would be cuddled together trying to get her through it. Like a lot of things, you go through that difficult, bad stage and it tightens that bond. We've both got an incredible bond with Madeleine."

Her personality

"She's always had bags of personality. Even as a baby, she was quite determined and independent. Even at six weeks we could see her watching the tele. She was so alert. Her favourite TV programme was Noddy. The colours are so bright and she loved the tune. She would be bobbing up and down. I know all the episodes of Noddy."

When the twins were born

"She was amazing, I keep saying that, but she was. She was only 20 months old. She just handled it so well. She was still a baby herself."

(Kate's voice breaks and she has to pause to stop herself crying)

"I'll try not to get emotional at this point. I just remember when they were born. I'm going to get a bit upset now, sorry.

"When the time came to bring Madeleine in, it was in the evening. She came in and… just her little face. When she saw the twins for the first time it was lovely. It was so nice, this expression. She sat on the end of my bed.

"She's great. We had the odd moment of course, such as when I was breast feeding the twins. There was a tired Madeleine walking about the room wanting attention. But she was remarkable the way she coped with it all. She would look at me and say 'hold it, hold it,' meaning she wanted to hold one of the babies."

Holidays

"We'd been away twice before. We went to Spain last year. Then we went to Ireland this Easter. That was a big family holiday. There were about 28 of us. It was great because the kids were all different ages, going up to about 13. They were all looking after each other. They had a great time.

"We were on a holiday camp all together. It was great. Madeleine is very sociable.

"She was so excited about coming to Portugal. She was holding onto another girl's hand walking up the stairs to the plane.

"She was no trouble on the flight, always chatting, and colouring-in or reading. We had a year in Amsterdam and there were a few things we had to go back for such as weddings, and Gerry's dad wasn't very well. She was always perfect."

The week

"The kids had a fantastic time. We all did, but it was lovely seeing them having fun. "We did use the Kids' Club and very often did activities there. Madeleine in particular had a ball. They did swimming, went on a little boat, went to the beach, did lots of colouring-in and face painting.

"Madeleine is at the age where she could really enjoy it.

"They played tennis which she loved, she was so happy. They had a little dance prepared for Friday. It was a little presentation they were working on in the days before.

Her voice dropping to a whisper, she added: "I don't know what it was, I never got to see it."

"On the evening she went missing, before she went to bed, she said 'Mummy I've had the best day ever. I'm having lots and lots of fun.'"

life has in store for us."

"I'd never been to Portugal before and a lot of friends said it was a fantastic place to go. Some friends suggested Mark Warner because they do sports. We're quite sporty, and we thought we'd be able to play a bit of tennis and do some water sports."

The night she went missing/ was it wrong to leave the kids?

"There was about 20 seconds of disbelief where I thought 'that can't be right'. I was checking for her. Then there was panic and fear. That was the first thing that hit.

"I was screaming her name. I ran to the group. Everyone was the same. It was just total fear.

"I never thought for one second that she'd walked out. I knew someone had been in the apartment because of the way it had been left.

"But I knew she wouldn't do that anyway. There wasn't a shadow of a doubt in my mind she'd been taken. That's why the fear set in.

"Then you do go through the guilt phase. Straight away, because we didn't know what had happened. We were just so desperately sorry.

"Every hour now, I still question, 'why did I think that was safe?'

"I can't describe how much I love Madeleine. If I'd had to think for one second, 'should we have dinner and leave them?' I wouldn't have done it.

"It didn't happen like that. I didn't have to think for a second, that's how safe I felt.

Her voice breaking, she adds: "Maybe it was because it was family friendly, because it felt so safe.

"That week we had left them alone while we had dinner. There is no way on this planet I would take a risk no matter how small with my children. I do say to myself 'why did I think it was safe?' But it did feel safe and so right.

"I love her and I'm a totally responsible parent and that's the only thing that keeps me going. I have no doubt about that.

"You don't expect a predator to break in and take your daughter out the bed.

miracle had happened, I'd have been happy. Madeleine is irreplaceable. I want her back. We just have to wait and see what

"I do feel regret. I've gone through all my life and said I never want to have any regrets, but you can't not regret something like that.

"It could have happened under other circumstances and there would still be the regret. "It wasn't like a decision we made. It was a matter of 'let's get the kids to sleep then we'll have dinner.' It wasn't a 'shall I, shan't I?' thing.

"I feel desperately sorry to her that we weren't there.

"This has touched so many people. I've had so many letters from mothers, really kind words. People have said 'Kate we've done this a hundred times over ourselves. Why would you for one minute think something like that would happen?' It's not like we went down town or anything.

"People have said to me you're the unluckiest person in the world and we are.

"That night runs over and over in my mind and I'm sure people will learn from our mistake, if you want to call it that.

"But it is important not to lose sight of the fact we haven't committed a crime. "Somebody has. Somebody's been there, somebody's been watching.

"They took our daughter away and we can't lose sight of that.

"There are still moments where I think 'how did that happen?' You can't imagine in your wildest dreams that anyone would do something like that. It's awful for us but I have absolutely no idea what Madeleine's feeling.

Pausing for a moment to hold back tears, she adds: "How can someone do that to a child? I've just got to keep focused and positive."

Cuddle Cat

"I was desperately hoping that Madeleine would be back before the cat got washed. In the end Cuddle Cat smelt of suntan lotion and everything. I forgot what colour it was. "It was special to Madeleine, she took it to bed every night. If she was upset or tired she had Cuddle Cat. It was special to her so it's special to me.

Talking about the night she went missing, she said: "I can't remember when I picked Cuddle Cat up. I don't think I did touch Cuddle Cat. I knew straight away a crime had been committed, we had no doubt about that.

"I look back sometimes and think 'you didn't do that badly.' We were very conscious of not touching things.

"I can't actually remember when I collected Cuddle Cat."

Moving apartments

"When we moved apartments we unpacked some of Madeleine's things.

"We don't have a room for her set out or anything. I've kept her clothes together. She has lots of presents to open that people have sent. Mostly people who don't know her, and pictures other children have drawn."

Her birthday

"She was due to have a party with two of her friends in the nursery, including her best friend. That went ahead and quite rightly. We were due to have a little family one the next day.

"We had a private day, we did something with our friends. As days go it was as nice a day as could be expected, to be with such a close, supportive group. But it was hard to ignore the reason why we were there, because Madeleine wasn't. Not having her there was such a huge void."

The twins

"They know she's not there and they do miss her. But on a day-to-day basis they are happy. They're lovely, like a little double act, they're so funny."

Smiling, she says: "They put their little rucksacks on, hold hands and walk off around the room. They're fantastic. Their vocabulary has come on so much since we've been here. The older they get the more it stretches and there are areas we're going to have to broach.

"But we'll let them take the lead. They talk about Madeleine's things and if they get a biscuit they say 'one for Sean, one for Amelie, one for Madeleine.'

"There are photographs of Madeleine all around and they comment on them.

"They've got a lot of love and protection. We've taken professional advice just to check we're doing the right thing by them. We have contact with a child psychologist when we need it."

The first visit back to the UK

"When we went back to the UK for a family baptism there was an empty seat on the plane and Sean said 'that's Madeleine's seat.' That caught me.

"Because I wasn't going home, it didn't feel too bad leaving. It was important for me to go.

"The hardest thing wasn't being the UK, it was to be with such close family and for Madeleine not to be there. I knew how much she'd have loved to be there. I'm blowing her trumpet again, but she's such a big part of our lives.

Always conscious to talk of her in the present tense she adds: "Despite her small size she just has this huge presence. She brings a lot of joy."

"It was a very emotional day, but it was nice emotional in a lot of ways. It was good for Sean and Amelie, they thought it was really exciting.

"Amelie asked me afterwards, 'Where's Madeleine? I miss my big sister.'

"I don't know where that question came from, it could have been because it was a family day. She's obviously made that connection, she knows Madeline's her big sister.

"Amelie will sometimes point at the Cuddle Cat and say 'Madeleine. Her Cuddle Cat. Looking after it.' She's probably heard me saying that.

"Sean said something the other day about Madeleine. It catches me. Then they do whatever they're doing like 'look at this Noddy' and they're on to something else. It's not dwelled on. I can be doing ok and then something catches me in the throat."

Their relationship

"Gerry's way of coping is to keep busy and focused. He needs to feel like he's doing something. He's a very optimistic, positive person. I'm not always. With a lot of the campaign stuff, he has done the talking.

"Sometimes I want to speak, but I just can't. It's not natural for me. Gerry's used to having to speak at conferences and it's harder for me.

"But I'm equally involved. Every decision is mutual. When Gerry went to Washington, he rang me three or four times a day to ask me what I thought. Although I wasn't there in person I knew hour by hour what was happening.

"His trip to the US was ok, it's funny what you manage to cope with. We knew it was a positive visit. It wasn't about Madeleine in particular. We've learnt a lot and become aware of the bigger issure.

"There are so many missing children out there, abducted children and sexually exploited children.

"Once you know all that you can't turn a blind eye to it. Madeleine is our priority but we have to help. We can't just ignore those other children. Whatever comes out of our experience, anything that can make the tiniest bit of difference to make the world safer place, is going to be a good thing. I feel a moral obligation.

"Madeleine means so much to me, but you can't take it away from the bigger picture.

The publicity

"I don't know why it's been so massive. Initially our family and friends got on board. "We're normal people. We don't have amazing contacts or anything, we just have strong friends. Everyone brainstormed and became very creative. They did what they could and if that meant asking well known faces, celebrities, it was done. They are normal people too. They wanted to help.

"Abduction is horrifically more common than I'd ever known, but the circumstances of our experience are quite unusual. People have told me 'We've done that, we've done more than that', which is reassuring for me. We doubted what we did. It's hard to answer the question 'were we wrong to leave them?' because we weren't there that minute Madeleine was taken, and now she's gone.

Message to Madeleine - If she could say one thing to comfort her:

"I'd tell her we love her. She knows we love her very much. She knows we're looking for her, that we're doing absolutely everything and we'll never give up."

Fears she may be dead

Holding back tears, she says: "I still have moments of panic and fear. It's not as intense and unrelenting as the first five days. Now, obviously we have hope and it's important to hold on to that.

"We felt lifted by Gerry's visit to America. They've been dealing with these cases for 23 years and have seen people come back. They were positive.

"I do go back to those dark moments. It would be abnormal never to touch on them. I do feel panic and fear when I'm thinking about her, but it doesn't help. I'm not helping Madeleine by going there. It's important to channel those emotions into something positive."

Going home

"I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to go back into our family home. I can't bear the thought of it. We'd lived in that house for a year and it was a really happy family home. We have so many happy memories in that house.

"Madeleine's room is shocking pink. She chose the colour.

"When we left the house we were organised, I was ready the day before. We left early, put our clothes on and grabbed our toothbrushes. We were so excited.

"Obviously things change as the weeks and months go by. We haven't got the pressure of Sean and Amelie starting school or anything. At the moment we're staying and we feel happier staying. We are closer to the investigation. Some of that might be mad, I don't know. We don't know where Madeleine is, we don't think she's in the UK but there's nothing to say she's any further from there than she is from here.

"It's a gut feeling. I'm aware there's probably things that would be easier at home, but at the moment this is the right thing for us."

Going back to work

"It's hard to think about work. I'm not looking too far ahead, but I can't drop the campaign, I know that. I can't turn a blind eye to it. We'll do whatever we can, working with other organisations, to try to make a difference.

"It's so hard not to get involved, it's so intimate to us now that we can't ignore it.

"It's not like I go round in a bubble, but I honestly did not realise the scale of this problem, children suffering like this."

Criticism from the public

"It is hurtful. I hate publicity, interviews, anything like that. I just hate it. When things have happened in the past to children I've wondered 'how do you get through that, how can you even live another day?' Then here we were doing press conferences. You just don't know until you're in that situation. Like this morning, how did I get in the shower, have my breakfast?

"I just go through the motions. Any parent would do anything they could for their child. We're just doing what we feel is the best thing for Madeleine.

"Some people say the publicity will be harmful, that she'll be hidden away because of it. But what can you do, just sit and do nothing?

"It's difficult. It's awkward. But it's not about me, it's not about Gerry, it's about Madeleine."

Her and Gerry

"As a couple, I think we're stronger than ever. We're feeling far from lucky at the moment, but we are lucky that we've got a strong relationship. We've got an equal partnership. We don't row, we've never rowed. We have communication, we talk a lot and that is vital at the moment. We have different strengths and have reached different stages at different points but we help each other."

100 days

"I'm still hoping we're not going to get there. Every day I'm hoping we won't get to the next day without her. It's a long time.

"But we have to keep going for Madeleine.

"We haven't talked about staying here forever, we're just not looking that far ahead.

"We've had so much support, mothers can empathise with me. Speaking now, on my own, is a way of saying thank you. They've given a bit of themselves to me."

Having more children

"Before this happened, we wouldn't have gone for more treatment. I'd have loved to have more children, but with the treatment we've been so lucky.

"We've got three beautiful children. It takes up time and I'm not getting any younger. "But if